Tag Archives: Post traumatic growth

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Just like that… Life changes

Time to face the strange.

On Tuesday, I was finally able to schedule the shot. The shot the world has been waiting for. As we watched the world behind a mask. Wednesday, with little fuss I got the first dose of the Pfizer covid-19 vaccine. The whole process took a total of 25 minutes once I arrived at Lumen field. In fact, it took longer to travel there than getting the vaccine.

Time may change me

13+ months following the rules for survival. Masking up every time I go outside… Passing people on sidewalks as I would a commercial truck passing a car like when driving. Glaring at assholes with their masks not on. People became hazardous objects. Practicing steady breathing each time I had to go grocery shopping. Holding my breath, pressing against aisles to maintain space. Anxiety spiking each time some selfish local dumbass not being courteous in closed spaces. Socializing existing on the internet only. The number of times I saw friends a family… I can count on one hand After the Pandemic.

The pandemic isn’t over yet. Like when Biden was sworn in on January 20th, I felt a huge weight lifted off me. One more shot to go, and I’ll be safe. Finally, an ending.

Just gonna have to be a different man

A new beginning. Today I got a new job! Full time work as a cannabis processor with a company that looks great to work for. I had a really good vibe in the interview Monday. I’ve been in shock today. My life is finally moving forward. My hard work the past year is paying off. A year ago I was at rock bottom. 15 months since my last full time job.

Therapy was amazing on Thursday. My therapist and me got to celebrate all these achievements. All the hard work paying off. All the hours last year on zoom working through my problems. Showing up every week ready to do the work. Choosing to be vulnerable, honest, and open to feedback.

Talking about everything made me cry. I wept tears of joy. I’m choosing to appreciate these wonderful feelings instead of the future. Its been a very long time that I’ve felt tears of joy because of a tough goal. A hard earned win. It’s been a tough year. Living through 2020 by itself is an amazing thing.

It is possible to change for the better.

Gratitude

I’m only here because I didn’t give up on therapy. I gave it another shot because I asked for help. My needs weren’t being fulfilled, and I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I’m here because I used the past year to work on myself full time. Daily therapy zoom groups, weekly therapy appointments with homework, reading relevant books, youtube videos about relationships and psychology, Mark manson articles, subreddits, Spotify meditation/mindfulness/positive affirmations tracks, and blogging. All thanks to being laid off from Willie’s Reserve. Thanks unemployment! Thanks WA Applecare! Thanks Mom! Thank you blog readers! Thank you friends!

No more covid Limbo

I can finally feel safe to visit people. The world will return to normal. All we have to do is persist a little bit longer. The end of the pandemic is on its way. All thanks to the covid-19 vaccines.

Thank you, science!


P.S. This isn’t to say I’m not anxious or free from doubts. It’s just nice to appreciate good things happening.

It hasn’t hit me that I actually have a full time job on Monday. With this I can get a new car. With this I can move out on my own. With both the vaccine and the job, I can live life again. I wonder what I’ll be like a year from today?

Merry Xmas and Happy Holidays!

Covid Christmas

It’s Christmas, but it doesn’t feel like it. I just couldn’t get into the spirit this year.

Life is going well, but I’m exhausted from 2020.

I’m fortunate that I had savings to get presents this year, despite being unemployed.

It’s a slim year for presents.

Even though I got everything my family asked for, today feels like an ordinary Friday.

I’m fortunate to visit with my family today.

I feel like I haven’t given my best for this Christmas.

I’ve already gotten everything I wished for this year. Friends, reconnected with family, therapy I’ve needed for years, being able to love a kitty again, being able to love again, to move forward in life, and a girlfriend!

I’m at the point in this long distance relationship where I’m wondering if my girlfriend is a catfish. We haven’t met in person yet because of coronavirus. The good news is that we have plans to meet.

Trust but verify.

I’m staying hopeful, but careful.

Damnit don’t be a catfish. No catfish will fool me. Never give a creative person inspiration. I certainly didn’t feel like I’d be this mature about this potential difficult situation a year ago.

Trust but verify. Take no shit, do no harm. Trust yourself, trust patterns. I’m prepared for any result.

Guess I’ll know when her present to me is delivered.


Take no shit, do no harm.

Also known as: “2020 in a nutshell.”

Shopping this year felt like I was the covid Grinch. Behind my masked face was a scowl at every person not masked, or not distanced. Each time out my heart shrunk in size.

;

I felt like George Bailey in my own wonderful life. I had to be my own angel on the bridge this year. I chose to continue on, and try one more time to get help. My breakdown and suicide attempt led to rebirth. I chose to say: Fuck you depression, no more!

What a wonderful world…

I’m so grateful for my sweet kitty.

This is the best I can do today. Happy holidays to all. Be safe!

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!


Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.


Goal: Go on 1 date before 2021!

Picture of flowers

At the beginning of this month in therapy, I set a goal to accomplish before the end of the year: To go on one date. Which in 2020 means in person, physically distanced, wearing a mask.

It’s time for me to rejoin the dating pool. Yes, I know the pandemic is in full swing. That fear of getting covid-19 hasn’t left. According to recent news… It seems that the virus will be around at least far into 2021, and possibly 2022. I am not waiting any longer to date. I’m ready now. It’s been 7 years since my last date, and I’m fed up with having a lackluster dating history. That said, I’m looking forward to dating.


Dating obstacles:

Obstacles: Better profile pics. I Need help making a profile that reflects my strengths. This means I need to do some work in therapy discovering what my strengths are. This time it would help if I had a professional photographer take some photos of me.

Last Sunday I joined Tinder for the first time, along with a couple other dating apps. Tinder has overall been a mixed bag… Mostly bots and scammers. But I did match up with and have some nice chats with two women on there! So far so good! After my last awful experience with OK Cupid, Match, and Craiglist like 10 years ago, I stopped trying at online dating. Going 1/1000 can do that. Struggling with mental health at the time didn’t help. Thankfully I have that managed now. Now I’m learning how these new dating apps work. Apparently I have some matches on some of them, but I can’t see who or respond until I pay money. I’ve really struggled with self worth for a long time, especially in dating, so it’s nice to see that women find me attractive! I don’t expect to find the person for me right away, but its a nice start!

What do I want?

  • Someone who says what they mean. Tell me exactly what you feel and what you want. No subtext. Don’t hint. Don’t make me guess. Blurt it out if you have to.
  • Is emotionally available.
  • A secure attachment.
  • Inter-dependent.
  • No alcoholics or addicts.
  • Mutual attraction.
  • I don’t want to be anyone’s “rock” Be your own rock.
  • No Republicans or Trump voters.
  • Must have relationship status on social media be “single”.
  • This will be my first romantic relationship and girlfriend. I don’t want to be a third, or side piece. Maybe in the future if things change, but not now.
  • I don’t want to date a single mom. This is simply too much for me as a person who hasn’t had a girlfriend before or dated much at all. That said, there sure are a lot of sexy single moms out there.
  • Is confident in herself and doesn’t seek constant approval and external validation.
  • Understands that “No means No”.
  • Respects my boundaries.
  • Respects my need for space.
  • Communicates fairly during conflict.
  • Views going to therapy as a positive thing.
  • Does self care.
  • Is okay that I have depression, anxiety, adhd, and high functioning autism. I need support, not care-taking because this is my responsibility.
  • Is not deceptive on their online dating profile. Don’t waste my time.
  • Is patient with me and my dating inexperience.
  • Likes cats.
  • Doesn’t mind that I smoke pot.
  • Has their shit together.
  • Kind and compassionate.
  • I want to have kids in a few years.
  • No second chances.
  • No long distance relationships
  • No waiting to get together. I need Quality Time, and it is possible to safely meet during the pandemic.

I probably forgot some things in that list, so if you have any thoughts, feel free to leave a comment below.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook, or now, Pinterest! Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Ikegai: or, finding meaning and purpose

I need to let go of some things from earlier this year. It was wrong of me to blog about the friendship fallout online. So, I am deleting all the related posts. (It is possible to do harm with a bad apology.) What served me in the past, is not who I want to be in the future. Our present becomes our future selves. Keeping those posts online is only keeping the past alive.

“In the Tao Te Ching it says: By letting go, it all gets done” This is how the meditation below begins. Since I found this meditation on Spotify, I’ve began to use to sleep every night since July.

Therefore I must change. To begin by removing and editing the posts that talk about this relationship. From now on I’ll keep these things private. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I chose to break up. I said that I would keep my word and move on, and I haven’t. It was cruel and immature for me to vent about this online. I regret doing this, and am ashamed that I did this. It’s time to move on. I hate how things ended. This is reality. It ended how it did, and I can’t change that. It’s in the past and will always be a small part of me like every other experience I’ve had. I don’t know what she wanted of me, but I don’t need to know. I didn’t want to end it. All I know is that for my own health, for my own future, it was time to move on. You give yourself closure. No relationship lasts forever. No one is entitled to a friendship with you. We weren’t compatible for any future relationship. That chapter of life is over. I did her a favor.

In order to step forward in life, I need to stop shooting myself in the foot every time I make a mistake.

“Apparently, the Buddhists say that any time we suffer misfortune, two arrows fly our way. The first arrow is the actual bad event, which can can, indeed, cause pain. The second arrow is the suffering. That’s actually optional. The second arrow represents our reaction to the bad event. It’s the manner in which we chose to respond emotionally.”

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dont-shoot-the-second-arr_b_5102701

This is explained better by this awesome blog post where I first learned of this concept:

https://bullshitpositivity.com/one-step-at-a-time-a-meditation/

I highly recommend this blog called: “The Bullsh*t Positivity Project: “A tribute to self-love, grace, and real people living real lives.”

Continued on page 2

Milestones among Gravestones

Surprise milestone post! It’s already been 1 month since I started this blog! Yay!

Today marks 9 weeks since the breakup in Pivot. 2 months since I had a nervous breakdown and went to the hospital.  It’s been 2 months since I quit drinking alcohol. 3 months since everyone was laid off at my previous employer. Friday was the first day I felt neutral. Joy sprinkled throughout the day.

Milestones among gravestones

The rejection/break up was my last attempt at dating that woman. I couldn’t move past my feelings despite the long tenure of the relationship. I tried, failed badly, and couldn’t be friends with someone I loved, who didn’t feel the same. I chose to end it. I told myself over and over again in 2019 that I would accept the outcome, no matter what happens. I was tired of all the baggage from the relationship and wanted a different life. You miss all the shots you take, and I didn’t want to regret missing out. In a cruel twist I got regrets and missed. Sigh…

There were good times, despite the nuclear end. This is my biggest disappointment in life so far. Now I know it’s better to shoot for the stars and fail. I tried and had nothing to lose!  I wish I was A-romantic or Asexual, but I simply am not. All I know for certain… Is that I am Heartbroken. My guess is that I have a long time still to grieve. I have a pile of things to fix about myself. No more shitty apologies. No more vague goodbyes. No more being a coward.

For readers considering a confession letter themselves… Don’t. Ask them out in person. In fact, don’t write a love letter at all unless you are already dating. Are officially committed to another. Have been together for years.  If you fail, it hurts far worse than a normal rejection. When you end a relationship, do it in person (unless it is not safe to do so). I did everything wrong. What I regret most is not communicating clearly. I believed in the fantasy of the crush, in soulmates and all that bullshit… When in retrospect, we had grown apart over the years. We are different people… Opposites. And that’s okay! Oof.

It wasn’t meant to be anymore. As soon as I can, I’m moving out. It’s far past time. I’m sick of being a man-child hermit. For too long I’ve used my mental health problems as a crutch. I’m disappointed how it ended. I’m disappointed that I couldn’t fully be myself in that relationship anymore. I have to move on. It hurts too much. It’s over.


A new beginning…

I was a casual social drinker. I did enjoy the aroma and taste of some liquors, but being drunk was meh. Every type of drink gave me immediate hangovers. Beer and wine the worst. That day 2 months ago I poured out my liquor cabinet and haven’t looked back since. It did suck to pour out a $75 bottle of absinthe, and a $40 bottle of bourbon (Seattle booze prices are crazy. But it’s how nobody in the state wants to pay income taxes despite all the wealth.). I later learnt that there were 3 consecutive generations of men on my father’s (Credit to my grandfather who quit and never looked back!) side with alcohol problems. My dad died from drunk driving after 1 drink. (I’m planning a post later this year about it.) I don’t mind if you do drink. There is no excuse for drunk driving. Ever. Get an Uber, ask for a ride, take the bus, walk. Don’t do it.

A week after the end of the relationship, I had a nervous breakdown. All the grief hit me at once. Here I am now despite being burned again and again by therapy. That darkness was depression. Whispering lies to me at my most vulnerable. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of having mental illnesses. It’s a health problem just like breaking a leg. I admit treatment is tricky because insurance makes it impossible, and because our brains are incredibly complex. Nobody tells you it’s a marathon journey to healing. The benefits like receiving dollars for pennies. We’re all going to die anyway. So, be the best version of yourself that you are right now. Failure and mistakes are necessary for success. Might as well take a chance. You might succeed.

Every day it gets a little easier… But you gotta do it every day — that’s the hard part. But it does get easier.”

― Jogging Baboon from BoJack Horseman. 


Songs of the post:

I by Kendrick Lamar:

A change Gonna Come by Sam Cooke:


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.


Edit: Whoops! Repeated a paragraph!