Tag Archives: Mental Health

Time to Return to Therapy

I’ve hit a wall with blogging

Which is: I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure what purpose it serves in my life. Last year, I had a bunch of things to work through and express. Now, the biggest problem is why. Why do I blog, why write? Or the biggest obstacle I have in life… Why do anything?

I know there are answers out there, and people who’ve been here before.

More than anything, I’m long past “working hard” on everything. Life feels like an endless carrot on a stick.

I’m tired of never being enough. Never being healthy enough, never making enough money, never being attractive enough to date, and so on.

I’m tired of self improvement. I want to feel enough. Maybe I’ve been isolated far too long. I’m so exhausted from the pandemic.


I’m lonely and don’t trust anyone. (Especially myself)

I’m lonely but love solitude. I want a romantic relationship but feel so unconfident in myself. I want to trust people, but I’m wary of being betrayed, lied to, or taken for granted. Being hurt again, or hurting another person because of my actions.

Despite being vulnerable about my emotional life on the blog, I’m most afraid of being rejected by anyone close after I open up to them.

I can’t be invisible anymore. I was a chameleon for many years, and I refuse to be that anymore. I don’t want to suffer like that. Being average is okay. I want a healthy amount of attention and interaction.

I realized that because of the COVID pandemic, my trust in people in the US and the world has imploded over the vaccine refusal. Over the resistance to wearing masks.

I’m worried about getting COVID-19 from a third of the population, even though I’m fully vaccinated and been careful. I guess, rightfully so after exposures at two different jobs.


I need to return to therapy

Its been 3 months? 4? I honestly can’t remember. This year is fuzzy. Feels like the days blend together.

Whenever my last appointment was with my therapist and treatment team… Its been long enough. The original plan was to take a short break to reassess what I needed for treatment. I didn’t know what my health insurance would be like, but now I do. My new plan is in September.

Therapy work list:

  • Trust issues
  • Social anxiety
  • Pandemic PTSD
  • Help with healthy friendships
  • Life coaching
  • Helping me get unstuck from this unsatisfying loop.
  • And many other issues.

I’m tired of having an anonymous life. Tired of not being satisfied with life. Tired of complaining. Ugh.


Man… When will I be fixed?

Thanks for reading!

I’m Back Baby!

I’ve been away from blogging

(the featured image is of a cherry grown from a tree I planted 10 years ago. It fruited in July. A timely metaphor for this period of time.)

I can’t point to any one reason why I haven’t blogged this past month-plus. Guess the creative tank was empty. I tried to force myself to write a couple times the past month…

Last month I installed an app that tracks my phone use. Its called “StayFree” (I’m not being paid to say this, though I’d sell out to). And my results have been… Embarrassing.

I have a serious internet addiction problem. (Though I guess the app missed all the time I spent listening to audiobooks on audible. I don’t count that time since it’s good for me.) I’ve known this has been a problem for a while, and especially the past year. But damn. 274 hours?! Oof.

Wow, I expected my total use time to be much lower than 8 hours 😐. I certainly didn’t spend much of that writing.

The content I did write didn’t feel up to par. I don’t know. I’ve felt scattered and unfocused when writing. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, or stuck in perfectionist tendencies. (Edit: today I cut up and saved the useful bits. Which became this post)

Whatever it is, I feel like my life is at another transition point. I feel a shift to something new.


French Toast, Donny Burgers, Peanut Butter, and Lemon Slushee Weed oh my!

It’s been a bit since the last blog post. (34 days!) I’ve simply been busy. Well, not that busy… More focused on doing well at my new job. Hyper-focused. I like what I do for work: trimming weed, my coworkers, and the company. (I wish that I could post pictures. I can’t because this is a form of social media. I wonder if it’s okay a)

Eat, work, sleep. Repeat. As for writing, it’s felt like the creative well was low, and I needed a small break.

Everything is going well, and I’m slowly feeling secure the company will last more than 4 months. ( I have no reason to see that they’d close or fail. Thanks anxiety… )

I’m giving it my all, and am happy to. The goal of the company is to have the best cannabis in the state. Its a mindset shift. At my last job, they also had high standards for trimming, but you can only do so much with average quality product. Its so refreshing to work at a company like this. Its like a high end restaurant… Without the soul destroying stress, heat, or snobbery.

Last week, we were ‘bucking’ which is to cut cured and dried branches of product to a smaller size for storage, and the work room smelled like french toast. The kind that uses fake high fructose corn syrup, imitation vanilla extract, butter, and ground cinnamon/nutmeg you can find in a grocery store spice shelf.

A huge perk of working with weed is the aromas. The best stuff or dank, can smell like so many things. From diesel, to skunk, to flowers, to a tropical island, to french toast. Grown perfectly, it sticks to your gloved hands.

Pictured above: Peanut Butter Crunch cannabis. I received this as a sample to smoke. Getting samples is a perk of working in the cannabis industry. Thanks Fire Bros! This strain is available at recreational stores in WA state!

They’ve been around 5 years, built a massive new warehouse to grow multiple times more product due to demand, and hiring people to meet it.

The work is pleasant, yet challenging. I feel it’s opened my mind back to a time when I enjoying being the best I can. To grow every day at work. I had this at my last weed job too. Its a very different culture when everyone is in the same building. My last job was a branch location. (Except for our growing team. There is a massive warehouse where our weed is grown. It used to be in our building.) Its a nice change to regularly see the owner and upper management around doing whatever needs done. They ask how we’re doing. They want feedback for improvement and mean it.

So many green flags, yet I’m paranoid. I’m trying not to worry about the other shoe dropping. I don’t want to lose this job. Good people, good work place, good company.


Once again, the coronavirus pandemic has been the antagonist.

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/vaccines/How-Do-I-Get-a-COVID-19-Vaccine.html

(AKA: Yes, but) I had two separate covid scares week. I was feeling sick on Monday — fatigue, fever, muscle soreness, and common cold symptoms– so I left work after 45 minutes. I drove to the drive thru testing center and got a precautionary Covid test to be safe. The test center said results would be ready in 24-48 hours. So, I had that stress along with not knowing what’s up.

Tuesday morning, the first covid test was negative! What a relief… I’m just sick with a cold. So I took it easy. I had just enough energy to fill my ballot, and dropped it off at a local community center voting drop box…. Driving there in my new car!

I finally have my own car! A 2013 Toyota Prius! All thanks to my Dear Aunt M! Love you Aunt M!

Picture of 2013 prius
Yeah, like that. I’m not comfortable sharing my car yet. This’ll do for now.

Wednesday I went to work driving by myself in my car for the first time in… like 7 or 8 years. That whole time I was sharing a car with my mother because it was convenient and I couldn’t afford another car. Basically because of poor mental health and working minimum wage jobs. But hey, my mental health has improved so much due to therapy and the right mix of medications. If it wasn’t for my own persistence for my health, and good decisions, I would not be in this good spot where I have options. I still have stuff to work on, but l’m treading water. I’ll take it. With this I can progress. I am so grateful all of that.

I worked the day, double masked for safety. I got through the day, but was exhausted. I should have stayed home.

Thursday morning, I turn on my phone and get a message on slack from one of my bosses. Another potential Covid exposure at work on Monday. Work was cancelled, everyone who got tested got a sick day. I got tested again and had to wait another 24 hours for a result.

Friday. That morning the result was: Negative! Whew. It seems most of my coworkers tested negative too, so that is reassuring. I decided to take Friday off too as I wasn’t much better.

In Summary, Two negative covid tests, but a strong cold. Waiting for test results is fucking stressful. While we have a mask mandate at work, it could be enforced a bit more. I feel like there needs to be a company meeting going over what masks are considered safe (A few coworkers wear neck gaiters, which don’t provide proper protection), how to properly wear a mask (Aka over the nose, on at all times inside), and we need a vaccine requirement for employment.

I’m fucking tired of being considerate anymore. Way past being patient. It’s been 16 months. The pandemic is still raging, and I’ve done everything right. It’s fucking bullshit that only 50% of people are vaccinated at this point. I wish our government would save the remaining vaccines for the kids under 12, send the rest out to the parts of the world that actually want them, and force the unvaccinated adults (who do not have a valid medical exemption) to have pay for it through our insurance system. I want to run up to a denier and shake them. Don’t you care about kids? Don’t you care about the elderly? Don’t you care about the sick? Don’t you care about the well being of your friends or family? Don’t you care about your fellow human?

This lyric from A change gon come by Sam Cooke sums up how I feel right now as an American, as a person of the world:

“Then I go to my brother
And I say, “Brother, help me please”
But he winds up knockin’ me
Back down on my knees”

This came up on Genius.com for the song lyrics:

“This line refers to Blacks in the United States who did not openly support the Civil Rights Movement. Often, these people were afraid of violent retribution, and preferred to keep their fellow men “on their knees” in front of whites to avoid conflict. Cooke’s record producers were especially guilty of this.

They were more interested in keeping him popular among white listeners, than allowing him to speak out against race-related injustices in his music. This song was the first politically charged recording of Cooke’s, and was his way of “getting off of his knees.”

Ironically, the track was initially buried on the B-side of a semi-popular single by his producers. Rather than being released to stand on its own, the executives were too worried it would degrade Cooke’s popularity with whites.”

https://genius.com/1300893

It’s no wonder why it another civil rights reckoning is happening during the pandemic. (Fucking stalled in the Senate by the same people making the pandemic worse, Republicans). Everyone is equal in the face of a virus. Corona Virus doesn’t care about your skin color, your feelings, your politics, anything about you. It exist to spread in the ideal conditions. The only way you are safe is to get the vaccine. To wear a mask, and distance from others.

You know… I think I need a Pandemic Anger Anonymous support group. Something. Another year of this? Ugh.

Oh, I finally feel a sense of peace and understanding regarding all the grief I went through last year. I’m truly sorry, and vow to never act that way ever again.

Its nice to not have that weighing on me everyday… on top of 2021’s stuff.

Rest in Peace, Aunt Ann.


Thank you for reading this, I realize I haven’t been consistently lately… And I want to get back on the blog horse. If you enjoyed this, please give it a like, and tell me what you think in the comments! Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please GET VACCINATED, wear a mask indoors or near people, that covers your mouth and nose. Wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2021. All rights reserved.

Recovery during the Pandemic

A person holding a lantern in a smokey corn field.

Rock bottom

Trigger warnings

My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict. I’m a love addict. I’m a recovering codependent. I’m a recovering hermit. I’m in therapy getting help. I guess it’s helping. The past year, I’ve greatly cut my marijuana consumption.

A year ago I hit rock bottom.

I felt out of control and needed help. It didn’t help that night that I smoked two infused joints, and two dabs (a dab to a bowl of weed is like a shot of hard alcohol to a glass of wine/beer) when I got home from work. The previous week was an emotional roller coaster. I had friends over for board game night… The first time in about 10 years that I invited new friends over to visit. It was a great night. A couple days later I started a new job. After one day, I was convinced it was the best place I’d ever worked. I was really excited about it.

That wasn’t enough to prevent a nervous breakdown and near suicidal attempt. I somehow held on, and asked my mom to take me to the hospital for help.

It was the worst day of my life. My biggest goal in life was gone, and was never going to happen. I I was too late in asking her out, and acted like an asshole. Rejected nicely, and I decided to breakup.

It was an ugly end to a long relationship. I couldn’t go on living like that. It was too painful to continue on. Sometimes you fuck up and there’s nothing to do but move on. This is the last time I’m going to blog about this situation.

I thought I was over this before my first girlfriend, but I guess that breakup opened this scar again. I don’t like being stuck on this. Sigh. Grief has its own schedule.


A year later

I can’t help but think about how I’ve changed since a year ago. If it wasn’t for that regretful situation, I wouldn’t have given therapy another chance. I am grateful that I did, and that I’ve finally got the right help for me.

Yesterday in therapy, my therapist said two things that really stuck out regarding this.

One: Have you learned all the lessons from this event? (I have. I won’t ghost again, and I’ve worked at increasing my relationship knowledge and communication skills this past year. I learned how to break up with someone in an adult way. I learned I needed help and got it myself. Plus much more.)

Two: She was worried that I would still be unable to move on and be in the same headspace 5 years from now. This also applied to me not wanting to change or grow. Which came down to: I don’t know why I act this way, and I don’t have a reason to get up every day. I don’t feel that I have purpose or meaning to my life.

So, my therapist suggested that we update my values. Values give you a way to make decisions on how you want to live life.

Updated Values that I want to have:

  • Vulnerability
  • Honesty
  • Humility
  • Accountable
  • Communication
  • Respect
  • Vision
  • Independence
  • Healthy
  • Boundaries
  • Sense of Meaning
  • Connection
  • Personal Growth 
  • Creativity
  • Kindness
  • Physical & mental health
  • Live in the present, not past or future.

Values based on how I live currently:

  • Selfish
  • lazy
  • entitled
  • hipocrate
  • Don’t care about physical health
  • self centered
  • Poor discipline

Not a good list. However, to change, you have to accept who you are right now.

I don’t know what the future will bring. All I know for now is that I don’t want to be this version of myself anymore. I’m the only person who can change myself. I’m stuck because I’m not doing the necessary things that I can do. I’m the one who has committed to therapy. I’m not happy with my life and that’s on me. Enough is enough.



Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2021. All rights reserved.

Inflection Point

Dream catcher

When was it that I gave up on dreams?

When was it when I lost hope in the future and being optimistic? My meds do help… To a point. Therapy helps… To a point.

When was it that I gave up on the world. Or more importantly, myself? There’s only so much one person can do for that.

Maybe all this insecurity has ignited because of this solitary pandemic lifestyle. Lately I’m not so sure. I feel like this current lifestyle isn’t that different from before covid-19.

I don’t believe in myself… When did this happen?

I don’t have any dreams anymore. For a long time, my only goal was to become mentally healthy. It’s hard to tell if I’ve improved since last March.

These days, I wish I didn’t have to wake up. I wish I could sleep all day. Sleep feels great, and I look forward to dreams, though I haven’t had many over the past year I can recall. Sleeping is awesome. Especially when it’s REM sleep, and you wake up refreshed.

Goals feel pointless. It feels like a never ending hamster wheel.

I feel like I’m procrastinating until the pandemic is over. I’m at the point where I don’t enjoy things. Depression or pandemic fatigue? I can’t tell. Probably a little from column a and column b. Once again I’m wasting precious time. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve reverted back to being a NEET /hikikomori once more, and that worries me. I do like watching anime, but I also feel ashamed because I spent years of my life doing this activity to pass the time. I feel I should be using this time to do something productive.

Im at a point in therapy where I’ve hit a wall, and don’t feel motivated. I don’t know if these changes are actually worth it. I’m unsure because I’m confused at what I want from life.

Im at a point in looking for work that I have to consider: “Would I risk getting covid and possibly dying for this job?”

All I want is a job with the same schedule, no overtime, no weekends or holidays, and I’m not exhausted from work after. Decent health insurance would be nice too.

Maybe all this is the monkey brain gone wild.


On the other hand…

I’m so lucky to have unemployment income. I’m lucky that I live in wa state, and qualify for amazing healthcare due to my income. I’m lucky that I don’t have to work . I don’t have to risk my life because I need to pay bills.

When will I not be crazy, and be enough?

I’m not sure I understand life… I sure am tired of feeling frustrated.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Burnout 2021

Cloudy forest road.

I am spent. Totally wiped out. Numb. Again. It’s merely Sunday in the pandemic.

None of the usual stuff is giving joy.

I’m tired of suffering. Tired of being depressed. Tired of the pandemic. The loneliness is killing me.

It’s frustrating living with mom. 1 year of a pandemic is enough. I desperately need to move out. We are just too different people to be living together. But, I can’t move out to an apartment because I don’t have a job or steady income.

It feels like I’m not suited for the work available right now. I can’t do variable schedule, customer service, or fast paced work because of my autism needs. I don’t like using this as a crutch.

Tired of daily, new PTSD from reading the news. Enough with the historical events.

That isn’t to say that Trump or his enabler Republicans shouldn’t be held accountable. They do. Treason/Sedition must be brought to justice. Our democracy and country is more important than any individual or political party.

Can’t even get a breath of fresh air by going outside or into the world. Shielded for safety behind a facemask. Going grocery shopping gave me a mild anxiety attack in the store. It’s like everyone doesn’t care that over 400,000 + have died from covid. Barely any distancing, business as usual at Safeway.

I’m not sure which is more dangerous right now: never leaving the house and being isolated, or getting covid. Therapy, medication, and self care only help so much in this difficult world. Yet, the worst of the pandemic is yet to come.

I need to get a car, so I have some agency. So I can get out of this area any day of the week. But then I’d have to choose between savings or a car. And unemployment is almost done.

I’m tired of this prison I’m in. I committed no crime, yet I feel punished for doing the right thing and staying home. I want to see friends. I want a life. I’m tired of no job = no life.

Heartbroken.

I feel like I’m about to fall apart and shatter. Damnit.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!



Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

5 things I learned from blogging in December 2020

Coco on her princess throne.

Ugh…

So, I’m behind on the 31 posts I promised to deliver this month. I’m a couple posts behind as of today.

Why? A couple reasons. I haven’t felt creative because my life isn’t balanced right now. I’ve been stressed out because my unemployment ran out Saturday, and I only have one shift left at my current job.

Christmas usually fills a couple needs such as family connection, creativity, and expressing my love language of gift giving. Instead, covid shopping was stressful, Christmas turned into a family argument, and it felt like a lame birthday. Guess I’m burned out again.


Home doesn’t feel like home…

While this is the house I grew up in and lived all my life, it’s not home. Along with this, I haven’t left the country for 12 years. All because my combination of untreated depression, anxiety, ADHD, and autism controlled my life.

Maybe its because my residence feels like a solitary confinement cell. While I can leave the house, I’m tired of all the surroundings in walking distance. I haven’t wanted to live here for years, and have been burned out by Seattle for years.


Work/life Catch-22…

While I should be grateful that I have this treated now, it’s frustrating to be here in the pandemic. Can’t move out because I need a job for money over time. Limited in work I can do because of my health. Apply to work, but not hear back from employers, or am not chosen. Can’t get a job farther away because I don’t have my own car. Can’t buy a car because I need to live off my savings because I’m unemployed and don’t know how long this will last. Every job has hundreds to thousands of people applying.


Distanced Girlfriend…

I have an girlfriend, but it’s online only for now, essentially a long distance relationship due to the coronavirus risk. I’m paranoid she’s a catfish. Positive signs are that she hasn’t asked for things, she wants to meet up, the gift she promised was delivered, and the background research I’ve done has checked out. With this, I’ve prepared myself by researching how catfish scams work. On the positive side, I’ll get to experience all the wonderful things I’ve missed out on once we meet. She is my first girlfriend ever. Hopefully the last if things continue to go well! (I like to think I’ll be okay for whatever happens. There is no guarantee in love or life.)

The tie Xmas present from my lady!

I hate that catfishing is a thing…


The blog in 2021

On January 2, 2021 (This Saturday! Holy crap! 2020 is almost over!!!), I’ll be returning to posting once a week. I feel the quality of posts has declined lately, and with the pandemic not likely to end soon, it’s the best I can do. I need more time to refill the creative tank. Catching up with friends, family, and my lady over text doesn’t fill my needs for human connection much.

Writing every day has been fulfilling. Every person, and especially creative people need to be a part of the world. I’m no different. My tank is low and I need a refill. This goal was great because it forced me to push me to improving. To find my limits, and grow.

I didn’t think I would feel this need for social connections with people as a former hermit… As a person recovering from social anxiety. 2020 has been a strange year…


Song of the post:


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.


Previous December blog marathon posts:

The Healing Journey Continues.

Picture of a wall in a room that was painted with green wall paint.

Don’t look now, but 2020 is almost over. Too bad the world will have a long hangover into next year thanks to selfish assholes who won’t wear masks or physically distance.

I found out what the title of this post meant in therapy this year.

The Healing Journey is the Hero’s Journey: Joseph Campbell, the most well-known mythologist, presented us with the idea of The Hero’s Journey. He studied the ancient mythology from all cultures and found profound, cross-cultural parallels between the hero of those myths. The Hero, he realized, was an archetype so integral to the human psyche and the human experience that it arose in each culture. While mythology paints the Hero as a special or supernatural, the myth serves to reveal the hero in each of us. When we align our healing process with The Hero’s Journey archetype, we perceive our life with a greater sense of empowerment. We gain wisdom about what challenges and support we can expect, and why the experience is vital to our soul.” From https://empoweredsustenance.com/the-healing-journey/

Here is a basic visual of the Hero’s Journey. Source.

More explained about the Hero’s Journey here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hero%27s_journey

I first found out about this in the end of a rejection message earlier this year. I took it as a polite veiled way to fuck off for the rest of my life. I already was leaning towards ending that relationship, and was trying one last time to see if there was romantic interest. (Which is a red flag I ignored then) So I broke up because I was done. It’s one thing to be rejected, another to completely destroy a persons confidence. That along with other surprises in the message forced me to reevaluate everything about that relationship. I really thought we were close friends. My letter was cringy and full of red flags, so I get why she responded over text. So I ghosted her. This was immature of me, and not right for anyone to do, but it happened. I made further mistakes by blogging about it while grieving the relationship. I regret everything. It was a no win situation for anyone involved. So the best thing for me to do is learn from it and change. I forgive her. That chapter of my life is over. It’s time to move on.


I’m an average dude, and that’s okay.

This step is big for me, because I have been depressed, have self esteem issues, and caught in a negative feedback loop due to not getting the right help for my problems.

That’s not to say I’m not unique. I’m as human as anyone else. I have strengths and weakness like anyone else.

I am a work in progress. I am enough and I have things to work on.

Is this is what change feels like? Well, positive change I guess since change happens anyway.

My biggest goal in life since I started this long ass journey to self enlightenment, this healing journey, is to be mentally healthy. To be accountable for myself- To not die as an addict like my Dad or my Aunt– To be the Father I feel I never had. Neither my Dad or Aunt really fixed their problems. I started as soon as I was aware 12 years ago. I knew it would take a while, but honestly I wouldn’t have tried if I knew it would take twelve years and counting. It’s like I’ve had multiple broken bones now healed incorrectly, and now I have to do further work to be healthy again. Except there is no timeline for healing. Ugh. I’m tired of dealing with mental illness. I’m worried I might have them for the rest of my life.

I have to remember to practice more self compassion, so I’m in it, working on the problems. And that is enough.

It wasn’t until I did a few months of therapy and read this article that my mind changed about even trying to date while having depression:

https://psiloveyou.xyz/the-problem-with-self-love-88726820fe19

A key point from this article is: “

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist with over 20 years of clinical experience, and a well-known advisor on sex and relationships, says, “We don’t just learn to love ourselves by ourselves. It’s a classic chicken or the egg scenario: in order to love another, we must love ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we must allow ourselves to be loved by others.”

And, more importantly, “Self-love is less about the ability to withstand loneliness or establish independence and more about awareness and acceptance of our incompleteness. It’s about letting others love us even when we feel unlovable because their version of us is often kinder than our own.”

The idea we fail to see when we talk about needing to love ourselves first is that two people can help each other out while together. The other person can help you find that self-love, and vice-versa.”

These three videos by casually explained accurately describe most of my dating experiences:

Even though I officially rejoined the online dating pool, I am worried that I’ll be dismissed by admitting I have depression. Tinder is brutal for men. I did match with some users most which were bots, but one real person already fizzled out. I’m still chatting with one person. So I am grateful for this!

Online dating feels like trying to get a job where the requirements are fuzzy, and you need college level skills. But there are no colleges to go learn things from. I’m not even sure if dating or romantic relationships are even worth the suffering. Must be nice at times like this to have religion or faith. I’m tired of being patient. ( I wish that I was able to go out with the second person I asked out this year. But bad timing is unfortunate, but you have to move on. There are plenty of available partners in the world. I already made the mistake of waiting for someone to be single before, and I’m not doing that again.)


I am so ready to be done with this journey. It’s frustrating because I feel limited by only having online contact with people. Like I feel I haven’t really been able to tackle being on the autism spectrum because the weird culture of the pandemic makes it easy right now. I’m either in comfort zones like doing therapy right out of home, and I can take my time with interactions. On the other hand, this is absolute hell for my internet addiction because everything is online and it’s a real problem for me. Imagine if AA groups had to meet in a bar. While I am working on it in therapy, like all bad habits and addictions, it takes a long time to change. And that is frustrating because I’ve wanted to change all these bad habits about myself for so many years.

Well, at least I have support now. So that is progress. One step at a time.

The healing journey continues…




Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Depression, Gratitude, and a Break.

Source

Depression:

I feel that I need to say that I am doing better today compared to Sunday, the previous blog post.

Some posts are a reflection of my well being for the day posted, and others are my feelings for that week. The last post was how I felt on the 25th. While I struggle with depression, thanks to my commitment to mental health, the depressed days are happening less and less. I thank therapy, medicines, and changing my unhealthy behaviors/thoughts as the reasons why I’ve grown so much this year. I am suffering less from depression because I am fighting it. I have this wall that I can’t overcome without proper medicine regarding depression. Half is something that can only be managed with the anti depressant I take. It took me trying 12 others (Which breaks down to 1-3 months adjusting to the medicine, another 1-2 to taper down if it doesn’t work to avoid nasty side effects, rinse repeat. Add in the horror of the cost of some medicines, and American health insurance companies being selfish monsters, and its a nightmare. This makes working for bettering your own health a battle against two enemies, your condition(s) and the healthcare system.) before I found the medicine that my body responds to, that works. Depression is a medical condition that happens in our brains that changes the hormones it produces. Having depression is like having a constant bully that is yourself, that knows all your weaknesses and insecurities, and does everything it can to stop you from being better. Just like the classic Sun Tzu quote from the Art of War, it’s a losing battle of attrition.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
Sun Tzu, The Art of War

So, I’m not going to quit writing or blogging. My body is telling me that I need a break to recharge, so after this post I am going to take a break for a couple weeks. I’ll keep people up to date on the blog Facebook page.


Gratitude:

Sometimes what you need is a helping hand to help you. Yes, we need to be self sufficient and stand on our own. That said, everyone needs help at times. So I want to give back by acknowledging these people:

First I would like to recognize my Mom. While we live together and can drive each other crazy at times… She is always there for me at my worst. She taught me how to be an advocate for my health for me before I could. I would not be here without her. She checked up on me that night as soon as she read the post. She told me again that I can always talk to her, and that she cares for me. Thanks Mom!

Second is my lifetime friend and brother from another mother, Gus. He sent me an awesome email -The first fan mail sent to the blog email! – Checking up on me, relating to the post, and empathizing with the struggles I wrote about. I feel this summary diminishes how touched I was to read his emails and what it means to me that he did that. I want to keep this private. In it’s place I feel that Gus deserves more recognition as a modern day renaissance man with serious chops as a musician (You can check out his album on Bandcamp here) and as a writer for the South Seattle Emerald here.

Third is blogger Olivia. I am a little shy to say that I follow and enjoy her because it’s a NSFW BDSM blog. You know what? I’m a 34 year old man and I have needs. Erotic literature is one way to satisfy this… Anyway, she left this nice comment, and sent an email!

Olivia, thank you for the lovely email! I am so touched you felt concerned for a total stranger and my well being! It’s the first fan email from a blog follower! 😀

Last but not least! Is blogger nopassingfancy. In her own words from her gravatar:

Source

We’ve been following each others blogs for a while, and its really nice to chat with her! And she posted this lovely comment on Sunday 🙂:

Link to her blog! https://nopassingfancy.wordpress.com/


I never thought that online comments and email would make me so happy!

One gift that 2020 has taught me is that there are good people in the world. it would be a crime not to appreciate this. I hope I didn’t miss thanking anyone in previous post comments…!😬 If I did, please forgive me.😷 Thank you everyone who comments and follows the blog!

Post continued below…

Good old Facebook memes that describes me lately!

My fellow Americans, the election is on November 3, 2020 in 5 days! Don’t forget to Vote! Here is how to register and find how to in your state!:

https://www.usa.gov/register-to-vote


Positives. I had my second full shift of work yesterday at my new job at Clēēn Craft. My job is to pack cans of hemp infused sodas into cardboard trays from the canning machine and onto wood pallets for orders. It’s a physical, repetitive job, but I like it! For now the job is seasonal, one day a week with potential to grow into more depending on sales of our products. I like my coworkers, and I feel I am keeping up with work, doing well despite mistakes. The job is the challenge I need. It’s nice to give all I have to succeed one work day at a time. After being unemployed since January, it’s nurturing to work at a job I like.


If you would like to try the sodas we make, you can get them on Amazon here:

https://amzn.to/2TBT9PC

Or, through the company website for anyone in the world:

https://cleencraft.com/shop/


A Break:

Based on the last blog post, I need a break from blogging. Life has been tough the past month. I didn’t realize how tough until working through it in therapy on Wednesday and Thursday. This October I: had a covid test to be safe (It was negative but I had to wait a few days for results), Had to bring Coconut to the vet for the first time, had a job interview over zoom that went well but I did not get, had a job interview for a job I did get, start a new job after being unemployed for 8 months, and do all this while grieving my grandfather’s passing. All that without the stressful shitstorm that the U.S. is right now. It’s no wonder I crashed this past week.

While 2020 has been a year of inner growth, it’s felt like hell at times. After years of feeling like I’m stuck and not growing as a person despite fighting to be better, my life is progressing. Continuing my quest for my own Holy Grail: being mentally healthy, being accountable, and living a full life. I need to focus on self care, and give myself permission to be human. Rest is as important to action in growth.

A lesson my therapist taught me is to not personalize mental illness. Don’t say: “my depression”, say: “the depression I am experiencing.” This gives power back to you by treating depression as a medical condition that is treatable.

This video is a helpful reminder of depression symptoms, and shows how people without depression can help:

I blog about my feelings, my problems, the mental illness I manage because it’s empowering.

Source

So, why do I blog? Why do I write? What’s the point?

I blog because it helps me work through things. Blogging for everyone to see makes me accountable. I write about my problems because I hope that maybe it will help someone else struggling. To overcome fear, shame, ignorance, and problems, you have to face them. Change is hard. I need a break from blogging. I was reminded of the Cowardly Lion today when “If I were King of the forest” from the Wizard of Oz movie soundtrack. Sometimes all we need is a little Courage. I have three posts planned for the near future, and after that I’ll take a break from blogging for a few weeks.



Music of the post:

Chains and Things by B.B. King
You’ve got a friend by James Taylor
Walk by Foo Fighters

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

( 11/01/20: Made a few edits for clarity!)

I don’t know what to write

I don't know what to write... I am burned out and depressed.
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

I have had a hard time writing anything for a while. Maybe the creative tank is finally empty. I don’t even know my reason for writing anymore. I’ve considered quitting because blogging has felt like work, and lost it’s fun.

I don’t want to want things. To have to rely on anyone.

I’ve been late two posts in a row, and I feel ashamed of myself for not following through on it. I failed myself and the readers.

In short, Im not confident. I don’t know what I want in life. I don’t want a career. And as a man at 34, if you don’t have a career or steady income… Forget dating. I don’t even know what a good date feels like. Never had a girlfriend or a third date. In addition to that, I’m a 34 year old virgin. I’m still one because I don’t want to lose it to a prostitute, or a one night stand. I want it to happen in a committed relationship. I don’t talk about this because I’m completely ashamed of this.

I feel trapped. I’m tired of struggling for so long with my mental health problems while life passes by… As I struggle to survive. I’m tired of being a burden. I’m tired of being immature. Not being able to trust people doesn’t help.

Life feels like an endless slog, then we die.

I’m so tired of working on myself.

I like the idea, the fantasy of things than the reality. Life feels like far too much work, and I don’t know what it feels like to be successful. I don’t need much. In our capitalist world, nobody is ever enough.

It feels like it’s too late for me.

What’s the point?

Exhausted… But a good week!

Source: https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-low-fuel-gauge-image3795734

I am completely wiped out today. This past week was really busy. On an average week, I need at least one day to rest and not do anything strenuous to recover. This past week was really busy. I had a job interview on Monday and was hired on the spot. I started on Tuesday and worked 10 hours. I haven’t worked a shift that long since 2019. I was wiped out, sore all over on Wednesday, but it felt good to be productive!

My new job is for a startup hemp infused soda company called Clēēn Craft:

https://cleencraft.com/

For now I’m packing cans of soda into boxes and cardboard trays for orders. It’s a tiny company, so I’ll be taking on more as I learn everything about the business. I like the impression and vibe so far.


I apologize for the late post. To be honest, I’ve had trouble writing much the past few weeks. Between my grandpa dying, adjusting to a higher dose of my antidepressant, American politics because of the ineptitude of Trump, the invisible threat of corona virus outside, and working on improving my life… I’ve been exhausted. I need to do something different to refill the creative tank.

Despite the healthy exhaustion, this past week had some positive things happen!

  • I started a new job! I’ve only worked there a total of 2 days so far, but I really like it!
  • I got a really nice rejection letter from another infused beverage company that I had a zoom interview with last week.
  • I believe I was hit on by the attractive clerk at my local pet store, so that’s cool… :0
  • I am so glad I adopted my new 4 month old kitten, Coconut! She is very affectionate, loves to snuggle, and is a ball of energy that plays all the time. Such a good kitty!
  • I had a nice visit with My Aunt M, and Uncle D on Saturday. I haven’t visited with either in person in like a year! It really is so great to have the option now to do distance visits in person, even with masks on. The pandemic has made me really appreciate all the wonderful people in my life.
  • Also yesterday, I went to visit my brother N and my buddy N for my buddies kid’s 2nd birthday. From my aunt’s house it was a 90 minute drive, but I didn’t mind doing it. It was nice to drive alone for a long time. I listened to a couple parts of audiobooks, and had a wonderful visit. I got to meet my brother’s new puppy for the first time, and it was nice to visit with my Buddy and his family for the outside social visit… Distancing, and wearing masks. In person beats online every time.
  • On the ferry ride there, a pod of Orcas swam by. They were a good mile ahead of us, but that was a first time seeing them that close in the wild before!
  • It was nice to be around people again.

Writing this post has been an absolute grind. It’s been a one word at a time thing. Recovery days look like wearing pajamas, resting in bed or a comfy chair, and not doing anything.

Sorry this isn’t the best post. It’s a day late, and I feel a bit sloppy being a first draft… But there is no need to beat myself up like I have in the past. So, I think I’ll take an editing pass, and work on this some more tomorrow. I need to figure out some long term goals and direction for future blog posts. My life is changing for the better, this is the best I can do today. One day at a time…

Song of the week:

Running on Empty by Jackson Browne

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. I share updates and news if posts are late there. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

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