I hung out with my friends D & J, who I haven’t seen in person for 6 months! We wore masks and did a distance visit. His birthday was last month, so I brought a present, and it was a blast! It was like we picked up where we left off last time. We’ve kept in touch over texting, but it’s just not the same as visiting in person. If it wasn’t for the pandemic, I wouldn’t have reconnected with old friends, family and new friends. It took this awful situation to show how much I miss people in my life. While my socializing is mostly limited to Facebook, I’m grateful to have it.
I can’t write much today because I’m hungover from therapy yesterday. It’s been a busy week. Forgive me if this seems scattered. Well, busy for quarantine. So maybe 20 hours total of work between therapy zoom groups and self care stuff. … I’ve been unemployed too long. The world is a strange place to live in right now.
All this solitary time has shown me who is important in my life. It’s given me time to work through problems, and space to finally be comfortable with myself. I’m glad to be alive. It’s been such a long time since I was so happy being myself. Comfortable being inter-dependent with the world. I’m at peace with my flaws. The light and dark within. I want to be the best possible human I can be.
Here’s a poem I created from a word cloud of all the words in my personal journal. I made this from the top 100 words I said. A nonsense poem.
Surprise milestone post! It’s already been 1 month since I started this blog! Yay!
Today marks 9 weeks since the breakup in Pivot. 2 months since I had a nervous breakdown and went to the hospital. It’s been 2 months since I quit drinking alcohol. 3 months since everyone was laid off at my previous employer. Friday was the first day I felt neutral. Joy sprinkled throughout the day.
Milestones among gravestones
The rejection/break up was my last attempt at dating that woman. I couldn’t move past my feelings despite the long tenure of the relationship. I tried, failed badly, and couldn’t be friends with someone I loved, who didn’t feel the same. I chose to end it. I told myself over and over again in 2019 that I would accept the outcome, no matter what happens. I was tired of all the baggage from the relationship and wanted a different life. You miss all the shots you take, and I didn’t want to regret missing out. In a cruel twist I got regrets and missed. Sigh…
There were good times, despite the nuclear end. This is my biggest disappointment in life so far. Now I know it’s better to shoot for the stars and fail. I tried and had nothing to lose! I wish I was A-romantic or Asexual, but I simply am not. All I know for certain… Is that I am Heartbroken. My guess is that I have a long time still to grieve. I have a pile of things to fix about myself. No more shitty apologies. No more vague goodbyes. No more being a coward.
For readers considering a confession letter themselves… Don’t. Ask them out in person. In fact, don’t write a love letter at all unless you are already dating. Are officially committed to another. Have been together for years. If you fail, it hurts far worse than a normal rejection. When you end a relationship, do it in person (unless it is not safe to do so). I did everything wrong. What I regret most is not communicating clearly. I believed in the fantasy of the crush, in soulmates and all that bullshit… When in retrospect, we had grown apart over the years. We are different people… Opposites. And that’s okay! Oof.
It wasn’t meant to be anymore. As soon as I can, I’m moving out. It’s far past time. I’m sick of being a man-child hermit. For too long I’ve used my mental health problems as a crutch. I’m disappointed how it ended. I’m disappointed that I couldn’t fully be myself in that relationship anymore. I have to move on. It hurts too much. It’s over.
A new beginning…
I was a casual social drinker. I did enjoy the aroma and taste of some liquors, but being drunk was meh. Every type of drink gave me immediate hangovers. Beer and wine the worst. That day 2 months ago I poured out my liquor cabinet and haven’t looked back since. It did suck to pour out a $75 bottle of absinthe, and a $40 bottle of bourbon (Seattle booze prices are crazy. But it’s how nobody in the state wants to pay income taxes despite all the wealth.). I later learnt that there were 3 consecutive generations of men on my father’s (Credit to my grandfather who quit and never looked back!) side with alcohol problems. My dad died from drunk driving after 1 drink. (I’m planning a post later this year about it.) I don’t mind if you do drink. There is no excuse for drunk driving. Ever. Get an Uber, ask for a ride, take the bus, walk. Don’t do it.
A week after the end of the relationship, I had a nervous breakdown. All the grief hit me at once. Here I am now despite being burned again and again by therapy. That darkness was depression. Whispering lies to me at my most vulnerable. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of having mental illnesses. It’s a health problem just like breaking a leg. I admit treatment is tricky because insurance makes it impossible, and because our brains are incredibly complex. Nobody tells you it’s a marathon journey to healing. The benefits like receiving dollars for pennies. We’re all going to die anyway. So, be the best version of yourself that you are right now. Failure and mistakes are necessary for success. Might as well take a chance. You might succeed.
Update on Scorpion Poison part 2: I ran into a wall writing it because I had to overhaul the story. It simply isn’t an acceptable quality. I’m sorry for promising a deadline I couldn’t deliver. Am I screaming into the void? I honestly don’t know when it will be finished. Last week’s post left me disappointed at the quality, so I’m going to take more time to get it right. In its place is this post. I need to work on my organization and planning skills as a human…
Inspired first by spite and humiliation, later, curiosity. I’ve found my answer to what this blog is. The blog is whatever I want it to be. I honestly don’t know what my niche as a writer is. Hell, I barely know myself! I’m starting to doubt whether I’m capable of blogging long term. I thought blogging would be a good outlet because I enjoy writing. I’m tired of never being good enough at anything. Well, the universe is indifferent. It feels like there is answer to, and not to do anything. I didn’t realize that stepping into the light from the shadow of anonymity would be so difficult. Maybe I’m justifying all my bullshit behavior with excuses again. I dunno…
I opened up the WordPress reader and discovered a conveniently timed post which picked apart everything wrong with last week’s post. It’s likely to be unfortunate timing, since small blogs like this are as common as dirt, but it still hurts to see that. Even if 100% accurate and is constructive criticism. I really thought that story would have been easier to tell than it was. Dammit.
This is my first blog ever. I know I’m not a professional blogger yet. I’ve already made mistakes in the few posts on here. I know that I’m not only competing against other bloggers, but every book, every other form of entertainment that has ever existed and is currently being made. This applies to every person creating something. It’s a brutal path. Online, every person can comment on your writing, and pick it apart. I don’t mind constructive criticism. It’s a real gut punch when all of your mistakes are laid out in a blogging advice article. Mere hours after your post. My mistake was browsing the WordPress reader earlier today when I was looking for a way to warm up writing. My goal with this blog is to improve my life, hopefully readers lives as well, how I can, through writing/blogging. A journey to self discovery. Improvement is slow and gradual. I’m only human, and I do have feelings. I’m doing the best I can with what I have and where I am at this point in time.
I’m sure this is the first thought some have had while reading this post. I have literally done this in my life. When I was a baby, my mom rescued me from their former apartment while burning down! I gave up a career as chef and the restaurant industry because I hated working in a professional kitchen. I tried the best I could for 8 years, but sometimes, no matter your efforts, things don’t work out. That career did not suit me. Working in the restaurant industry is a tough business. I gave it more than enough time before I was sure I had to move on.
My choice to blog is a reflection of how I’ve grown from my mistakes in life. Such as choosing cooking as a career, giving it up. I tried to become a Commercial truck driver delivering soda for Coca-Cola and couldn’t handle the 60-70 hour weeks. I lasted 8 months. I tried to become a local baseball umpire (Mainly refereed games from kids in middle school to high school) but I was rated the worst rookie umpire, despite being in the top 3 of games worked by a new umpire. I tried again from the bottom for a second year, but I got a concussion from a car accident, and couldn’t work.
So I guess I’m growing as a person. What’s important is to keep small goals. I need to remind myself that I have just started. It’s going to take awhile to improve. I could use some help or advice.
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