Tag Archives: depression

I feel like quitting blogging

Grim, huh? But the Truth.

This has been something bothering me for a long time. But after reading this post by Renard’s World (and a few related linked posts at the end)…

It’s clear that I don’t love blogging. I do love interacting with fellow bloggers in the comments, but that’s about it. I guess I started the blog as a way to express myself and connect with others in the world, and to find out if I was any good at this. I was hoping to finally be good at something. I’ve kinda achieved those.

I don’t know why I do this, or why anyone would want to read this blog.

I don’t see what benefit improving anything would change.

If I’m being honest, I don’t love myself. I’m burned out on life. Having multiple mental illnesses doesn’t help. Not being able to trust others doesn’t help. I just kinda exist for the sake of it. So, I guess I need a bunch of further time in therapy to change myself. Having regular therapy helped me last year in being consistent.

I don’t know what I want from life. I wish that “nothing” was an acceptable answer. All I know is that blogging isn’t fulfilling or helpful to me for now.

EDIT: This was a bit rash, and too much. I’m going to take a three week break instead of indefinite.

You can always reach me by email or in the comments. The blog email is in the “Contact” page. Thank you for reading.

Time to Return to Therapy

I’ve hit a wall with blogging

Which is: I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure what purpose it serves in my life. Last year, I had a bunch of things to work through and express. Now, the biggest problem is why. Why do I blog, why write? Or the biggest obstacle I have in life… Why do anything?

I know there are answers out there, and people who’ve been here before.

More than anything, I’m long past “working hard” on everything. Life feels like an endless carrot on a stick.

I’m tired of never being enough. Never being healthy enough, never making enough money, never being attractive enough to date, and so on.

I’m tired of self improvement. I want to feel enough. Maybe I’ve been isolated far too long. I’m so exhausted from the pandemic.


I’m lonely and don’t trust anyone. (Especially myself)

I’m lonely but love solitude. I want a romantic relationship but feel so unconfident in myself. I want to trust people, but I’m wary of being betrayed, lied to, or taken for granted. Being hurt again, or hurting another person because of my actions.

Despite being vulnerable about my emotional life on the blog, I’m most afraid of being rejected by anyone close after I open up to them.

I can’t be invisible anymore. I was a chameleon for many years, and I refuse to be that anymore. I don’t want to suffer like that. Being average is okay. I want a healthy amount of attention and interaction.

I realized that because of the COVID pandemic, my trust in people in the US and the world has imploded over the vaccine refusal. Over the resistance to wearing masks.

I’m worried about getting COVID-19 from a third of the population, even though I’m fully vaccinated and been careful. I guess, rightfully so after exposures at two different jobs.


I need to return to therapy

Its been 3 months? 4? I honestly can’t remember. This year is fuzzy. Feels like the days blend together.

Whenever my last appointment was with my therapist and treatment team… Its been long enough. The original plan was to take a short break to reassess what I needed for treatment. I didn’t know what my health insurance would be like, but now I do. My new plan is in September.

Therapy work list:

  • Trust issues
  • Social anxiety
  • Pandemic PTSD
  • Help with healthy friendships
  • Life coaching
  • Helping me get unstuck from this unsatisfying loop.
  • And many other issues.

I’m tired of having an anonymous life. Tired of not being satisfied with life. Tired of complaining. Ugh.


Man… When will I be fixed?

Thanks for reading!

Inflection Point

Dream catcher

When was it that I gave up on dreams?

When was it when I lost hope in the future and being optimistic? My meds do help… To a point. Therapy helps… To a point.

When was it that I gave up on the world. Or more importantly, myself? There’s only so much one person can do for that.

Maybe all this insecurity has ignited because of this solitary pandemic lifestyle. Lately I’m not so sure. I feel like this current lifestyle isn’t that different from before covid-19.

I don’t believe in myself… When did this happen?

I don’t have any dreams anymore. For a long time, my only goal was to become mentally healthy. It’s hard to tell if I’ve improved since last March.

These days, I wish I didn’t have to wake up. I wish I could sleep all day. Sleep feels great, and I look forward to dreams, though I haven’t had many over the past year I can recall. Sleeping is awesome. Especially when it’s REM sleep, and you wake up refreshed.

Goals feel pointless. It feels like a never ending hamster wheel.

I feel like I’m procrastinating until the pandemic is over. I’m at the point where I don’t enjoy things. Depression or pandemic fatigue? I can’t tell. Probably a little from column a and column b. Once again I’m wasting precious time. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve reverted back to being a NEET /hikikomori once more, and that worries me. I do like watching anime, but I also feel ashamed because I spent years of my life doing this activity to pass the time. I feel I should be using this time to do something productive.

Im at a point in therapy where I’ve hit a wall, and don’t feel motivated. I don’t know if these changes are actually worth it. I’m unsure because I’m confused at what I want from life.

Im at a point in looking for work that I have to consider: “Would I risk getting covid and possibly dying for this job?”

All I want is a job with the same schedule, no overtime, no weekends or holidays, and I’m not exhausted from work after. Decent health insurance would be nice too.

Maybe all this is the monkey brain gone wild.


On the other hand…

I’m so lucky to have unemployment income. I’m lucky that I live in wa state, and qualify for amazing healthcare due to my income. I’m lucky that I don’t have to work . I don’t have to risk my life because I need to pay bills.

When will I not be crazy, and be enough?

I’m not sure I understand life… I sure am tired of feeling frustrated.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

I feel like shit today.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A shit-storm of pain

I feel like shit today… I’m heartbroken since I was dumped. That relationship didn’t last 2 months, but I felt like we had a connection. Bottom line is that we were incompatible. I don’t have my shit together. I’m unemployed again, live with my Mother as an adult, have no idea what to do with my life, and I feel like a barely functional human being. Heartbroken, laid off, depressed, hopeless. With this heart break, I feel like I’m reliving all of my previous mistakes in life along with it. Great. I feel absolutely useless, and worthless.

I feel like all I can do to cope is to wallow in my despair by binge streaming the anime Naruto (like the 5th time I’ve watched from the start), and Futurama for the two dozenth time.

Of course, I can’t do any of the usual suggested things such as hangout with friends or family, go out and meet people, or go do activities because of Covid. Getting serious deja vu writing that. Online socializing, and activities aren’t the same.

I forgot that I had Facebook dating on, and had a notification for a match. I feel bad because I liked back, but a day later I feel guilty. That lady seems like a lovely person and is attractive, but I can’t. I’m nowhere close to being ready to date again. Just the thought of it made my heartbreak worse and I felt nauseous. I couldn’t turn on the pause option quick enough. I barely feel emotionally available for myself right now.

I’m so unhappy with my life. I tell myself that “I’m enough” but it feels hollow. It doesn’t feel like enough to simply be alive as an adult.

Today, all I feel I can do is to exist.


Post election recovery, day 3.

I certainly have grief and shit to work through because of the previous president. Omg it’s such a relief to have a competent government. I can finally relax because the election has passed and Joe Biden/Kamala Harris are in charge, actually working. The problems are still there, and they have to rebuild entire agencies from scratch, but they’re doing it. Fucking A, I’ve been holding onto this stress since October 2020. I think realistically, the first 100 days will be recovery for America. I simply haven’t had the energy to celebrate this welcome change. This shit has been exhausting.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Burnout 2021

Cloudy forest road.

I am spent. Totally wiped out. Numb. Again. It’s merely Sunday in the pandemic.

None of the usual stuff is giving joy.

I’m tired of suffering. Tired of being depressed. Tired of the pandemic. The loneliness is killing me.

It’s frustrating living with mom. 1 year of a pandemic is enough. I desperately need to move out. We are just too different people to be living together. But, I can’t move out to an apartment because I don’t have a job or steady income.

It feels like I’m not suited for the work available right now. I can’t do variable schedule, customer service, or fast paced work because of my autism needs. I don’t like using this as a crutch.

Tired of daily, new PTSD from reading the news. Enough with the historical events.

That isn’t to say that Trump or his enabler Republicans shouldn’t be held accountable. They do. Treason/Sedition must be brought to justice. Our democracy and country is more important than any individual or political party.

Can’t even get a breath of fresh air by going outside or into the world. Shielded for safety behind a facemask. Going grocery shopping gave me a mild anxiety attack in the store. It’s like everyone doesn’t care that over 400,000 + have died from covid. Barely any distancing, business as usual at Safeway.

I’m not sure which is more dangerous right now: never leaving the house and being isolated, or getting covid. Therapy, medication, and self care only help so much in this difficult world. Yet, the worst of the pandemic is yet to come.

I need to get a car, so I have some agency. So I can get out of this area any day of the week. But then I’d have to choose between savings or a car. And unemployment is almost done.

I’m tired of this prison I’m in. I committed no crime, yet I feel punished for doing the right thing and staying home. I want to see friends. I want a life. I’m tired of no job = no life.

Heartbroken.

I feel like I’m about to fall apart and shatter. Damnit.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!



Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Unplugged

Lights out, Disconnected:

Around midnight, in the storm, blackout.

Blown away in the wind.

Only without electricity do I realize how I’m addicted to power.

Can’t cook, can’t read, can’t check the news, can’t escape via a screen, can’t connect with others.

I’m not completely sober from it today. My phone has power: 67%, I’m powerless to it.

My life is completely online. I live through screens.

An hour in, I feel withdrawal from not having my fixes– the internet, watch a video, read an article, check Facebook, read blog posts, write a blog post.

I’ll have to miss therapy today because it’s online or phone. No connection for either. It took 2 hours to send 1 text message, and 1 email.

An hour in, I consider taking my sleep meds and going back to sleep.

Holy crap is this really how I want my life to be?

Addicted to screens, sitting in a corner like a zombie as life passes by outside?

Internet addict:

I am the problem. My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict.

Only by being unplugged does this stick.

I’m so desperate for a powered on screen that I look to the digital thermometer for stimulus. I look to the clocks for a fix. No good.

This prison is of my own making. I choose every day to be it’s victim. The internet addiction demon is in control.

My worst nightmare has come true… I’m an addict just like dad. Like my late addict Aunt. The internet is my demon.

One big difference is that you’ve been committed to therapy. That’s a big deal, Rei.

Working on changing counts.

Maybe I’m crazy.

Stop being brutal to yourself. You can be honest and kind to yourself.

Time for change.

My inner connection is blinking orange.

I need a reset. I need to unplug, be offline for 30 days, and replug.

It’s been 5 hours… How much longer do I have to cope without my power fix?

Like all the powered devices around the house, I’m off.

Won’t somebody plug me back in? I can’t do it myself.

The power returns as the sun sets and darkness falls… Back into my hole I willfully go. I need some help.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being depressed…

Power on, brain off.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

2021 is here… Now what?

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Happy 2021! Out with the old, in with the new…

It’s a new year, but the problems remain. I’m the same person I was a day ago. My life still sucks. I don’t know how to fix it. Do I even want to fix it? The world sucks, and feels like it always will. Warning: Self loathing.

So, what now?

Where do I go in life from now on? What does that mean to me? What does that mean for the blog? Who am I, and who do I want to be? Honestly I just want to be.

“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”

Alan Wilson Watts, The Culture of Counter-Culture: Edited Transcripts

Why bother dating?

So, I am 95% sure the person I’ve been seeing online is a catfish. They won’t do a video chat, or set a time to do one. I’m giving this relationship 13 more days before I make a final decision. She did say she wants to meet in person soon, so if that doesn’t happen within that time period, I’m out. This time, maybe for good with all dating. Online dating for sure.

(Please not be true! Man I’m depressed and lonely 😐 )

At the minimum, I’m not trying any more. And since I’m a straight man, that means never again since women don’t initiate. In my limited experience with this, it means they might flirt… But be so subtle about it, that I don’t notice. Which I miss every time due to being on the autism spectrum.

Why bother dating? It requires a bunch of work, and I’d have to change for questionable benefits. Why bother learning anything at all? All it results in is more responsibility and accountability. Dating is work. I don’t care much for meeting new people. I hate the process of dating.

All I need to do is find a way to get rid of my sex drive and desire, and finally I can be free of this suffering. Life will be so much better without that. Yes this is far better than the process of dating and change. Being A-romantic and Asexual sounds awesome. While those things aren’t a choice… I sincerely wish I was those. I’m tired of having feelings and needs related to dating. It’s not worth the effort any more. It’s been a consistent bad investment.

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-when-to-fold-bad-investments-in-relationships-seeing-the-bigger-picture/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-ready-to-date-can-you-handle-it-going-somewhere-but-equally-can-you-cope-with-disappointment/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/self-esteem-in-a-nutshell-when-you-believe-youre-not-good-enough-to-drive-your-own-life/

I guess I’m not ever going to be ready to date. Dating makes me crazy. I don’t want to work on myself anymore. I don’t want to be or do anything. I only work on self esteem because I feel obligated to. Being alone is far better than not. So once again, I’m opting out. Whatever.


Why bother working?

My only purpose is to pay bills. I don’t want anything else. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t work for money ever again. I’m not rich, so I have to do something to earn money and get by. I want to go to work, do the work, and come home. I want the work day to end when I clock out. I don’t want over time, and I’m not ambitious. Money is annoying. I hate having it, and hate acquiring it. This is who I am, and I’m not changing. The only possible benefit from working is to potentially meet people for friendships. The problem is: Working isn’t a choice. Well, not a fair choice. And I have to do this until I die? Ugh.


Well that was cheerful…

This is the real me. Lazy, selfish, not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. Life is bullshit, and for some reason I don’t understand, I still get up every day. Fantasy is better than reality. Man I’m tired of whining. I’m tired of things not working out. I’m tired of struggling…


Starting after tomorrow, I’ll be blogging twice a week.

While blogging every day (except for the days I missed last month) was an interesting experience, I learned that I don’t want to do it every day. I felt like the quality of writing was slipping. I felt that I was missing out on the social aspect of commenting on other blogs, and connecting with people. I don’t know what I want from blogging, so for now, it’ll remain a hobby. This blog will remain a way to consistently write, be vulnerable, and track improvement. 75 posts in and I still don’t know what this blog adventure is, so I’ll continue the random overshares until i figure out what this is.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Well, I missed a post yesterday

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Missed post

Honestly I was really tired yesterday. No matter what job I do, I need the first weekend day to recover and not do anything. Add in that I was essentially laid off after this week, and that the conversation with the person I met on Tinder went sour, I didn’t have it. That is why I didn’t post yesterday.

Well, it is how it is.

I’m going to try and post one more time today to make up for it. This blogging marathon is a promise I made to myself, and you readers, so I must deliver on it. After all, the world only cares about results.

This new situationship with the lady I met on Tinder is giving me pause and reevaluating it. I’m going on a gut feeling since I can’t rely on practical wisdom to evaluate. I only have a little dating experience, and I’m not much of a people person. My gut is telling me something is off. I am hoping this is a temporary blip. Guess this is another wait and see situation. I simply don’t have enough information to make a decision. Being patient is reasonable since the relationship is new.

There is no commitment because we haven’t had the talk, and I believe we are only friends at the moment. I haven’t even known her a month yet, so I’ll be patient. If this is the end, it wasn’t meant to be. I am only responsible for my part. Maybe I’m not ready for dating. But I’ve never felt ready for it. Honestly the more I learn about dating, and how women work, the less interested I become. I’m still attracted to women… But getting to a successful relationship feels like a pain in the ass and not worth what is essentially a fantasy.

I don’t like dating.


Tired of being alone, like solitude

I saw this video for the first time yesterday, and it’s been something on my mind for a while now. I’ve already spent years of my life mostly alone – Through being agoraphobic, or choosing jobs which don’t require much social interaction such as truck driving or kitchen work. I’m not agoraphobic anymore, but since I’m dating again, I wonder if accepting that I might live the rest of my life without a romantic partner is a necessary step in life. Or if that is even a bad thing at all?

My overall disappointing experience with dating means that a normal healthy relationship is a fantasy to me. You can’t miss what you don’t know. And dating is a enormous pain in the ass these days. Especially for someone like me that doesn’t like meeting new people, and keeps to himself.

I wish I didn’t have sexual needs or romantic needs. They feel like an annoyance that I put up with because I have to. I’d rather not have either of them because they detract from my quality of life.


Social distancing

I’m completely comfortable being by myself. So much that I wonder if I even need people in my life at all. The pandemic lifestyle this year has answered that… I do need people in my life, and I look forward to having friends and family that add to my life. On the other hand, a life without other people’s bs sounds amazing.

That said, I don’t want to continue this hermit lifestyle. I guess a compromise is a life by myself with a handful of solid friendships.


Health and work

At a basic level, humanity needs a huge amount of people to maintain modern life. At our most basic need, we need people to grow food, maintain our living spaces, keep the water potable, the air clean to breathe, people to make or distribute clothing, and people to pay us for work.

I don’t really care what I do for work as long as it doesn’t make me exhausted. As long as it pays the bills and isn’t a pain in the ass to do, that’s enough. I don’t care if people dislike me or not. In the end, all we have is ourselves.

Thanks for reading my rant. I’m tired of struggling and things not working out. I’m long past feeling sorry for myself. I’m so tired of complaining. I’m especially tired of having all my mental health problems. Not being enough as I am. I feel like this year, I’ve complained more than I ever have. Being creative has been especially difficult because life has been so limited. I’ve felt especially frustrated because my biggest problems in life have been with interacting with people in person, such as social anxiety and being on the spectrum. I’m so tired of being patient.

Maybe this will resonate with someone else, so I’ll post this anyway.


Song of the post:


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

The Healing Journey Continues.

Picture of a wall in a room that was painted with green wall paint.

Don’t look now, but 2020 is almost over. Too bad the world will have a long hangover into next year thanks to selfish assholes who won’t wear masks or physically distance.

I found out what the title of this post meant in therapy this year.

The Healing Journey is the Hero’s Journey: Joseph Campbell, the most well-known mythologist, presented us with the idea of The Hero’s Journey. He studied the ancient mythology from all cultures and found profound, cross-cultural parallels between the hero of those myths. The Hero, he realized, was an archetype so integral to the human psyche and the human experience that it arose in each culture. While mythology paints the Hero as a special or supernatural, the myth serves to reveal the hero in each of us. When we align our healing process with The Hero’s Journey archetype, we perceive our life with a greater sense of empowerment. We gain wisdom about what challenges and support we can expect, and why the experience is vital to our soul.” From https://empoweredsustenance.com/the-healing-journey/

Here is a basic visual of the Hero’s Journey. Source.

More explained about the Hero’s Journey here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hero%27s_journey

I first found out about this in the end of a rejection message earlier this year. I took it as a polite veiled way to fuck off for the rest of my life. I already was leaning towards ending that relationship, and was trying one last time to see if there was romantic interest. (Which is a red flag I ignored then) So I broke up because I was done. It’s one thing to be rejected, another to completely destroy a persons confidence. That along with other surprises in the message forced me to reevaluate everything about that relationship. I really thought we were close friends. My letter was cringy and full of red flags, so I get why she responded over text. So I ghosted her. This was immature of me, and not right for anyone to do, but it happened. I made further mistakes by blogging about it while grieving the relationship. I regret everything. It was a no win situation for anyone involved. So the best thing for me to do is learn from it and change. I forgive her. That chapter of my life is over. It’s time to move on.


I’m an average dude, and that’s okay.

This step is big for me, because I have been depressed, have self esteem issues, and caught in a negative feedback loop due to not getting the right help for my problems.

That’s not to say I’m not unique. I’m as human as anyone else. I have strengths and weakness like anyone else.

I am a work in progress. I am enough and I have things to work on.

Is this is what change feels like? Well, positive change I guess since change happens anyway.

My biggest goal in life since I started this long ass journey to self enlightenment, this healing journey, is to be mentally healthy. To be accountable for myself- To not die as an addict like my Dad or my Aunt– To be the Father I feel I never had. Neither my Dad or Aunt really fixed their problems. I started as soon as I was aware 12 years ago. I knew it would take a while, but honestly I wouldn’t have tried if I knew it would take twelve years and counting. It’s like I’ve had multiple broken bones now healed incorrectly, and now I have to do further work to be healthy again. Except there is no timeline for healing. Ugh. I’m tired of dealing with mental illness. I’m worried I might have them for the rest of my life.

I have to remember to practice more self compassion, so I’m in it, working on the problems. And that is enough.

It wasn’t until I did a few months of therapy and read this article that my mind changed about even trying to date while having depression:

https://psiloveyou.xyz/the-problem-with-self-love-88726820fe19

A key point from this article is: “

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist with over 20 years of clinical experience, and a well-known advisor on sex and relationships, says, “We don’t just learn to love ourselves by ourselves. It’s a classic chicken or the egg scenario: in order to love another, we must love ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we must allow ourselves to be loved by others.”

And, more importantly, “Self-love is less about the ability to withstand loneliness or establish independence and more about awareness and acceptance of our incompleteness. It’s about letting others love us even when we feel unlovable because their version of us is often kinder than our own.”

The idea we fail to see when we talk about needing to love ourselves first is that two people can help each other out while together. The other person can help you find that self-love, and vice-versa.”

These three videos by casually explained accurately describe most of my dating experiences:

Even though I officially rejoined the online dating pool, I am worried that I’ll be dismissed by admitting I have depression. Tinder is brutal for men. I did match with some users most which were bots, but one real person already fizzled out. I’m still chatting with one person. So I am grateful for this!

Online dating feels like trying to get a job where the requirements are fuzzy, and you need college level skills. But there are no colleges to go learn things from. I’m not even sure if dating or romantic relationships are even worth the suffering. Must be nice at times like this to have religion or faith. I’m tired of being patient. ( I wish that I was able to go out with the second person I asked out this year. But bad timing is unfortunate, but you have to move on. There are plenty of available partners in the world. I already made the mistake of waiting for someone to be single before, and I’m not doing that again.)


I am so ready to be done with this journey. It’s frustrating because I feel limited by only having online contact with people. Like I feel I haven’t really been able to tackle being on the autism spectrum because the weird culture of the pandemic makes it easy right now. I’m either in comfort zones like doing therapy right out of home, and I can take my time with interactions. On the other hand, this is absolute hell for my internet addiction because everything is online and it’s a real problem for me. Imagine if AA groups had to meet in a bar. While I am working on it in therapy, like all bad habits and addictions, it takes a long time to change. And that is frustrating because I’ve wanted to change all these bad habits about myself for so many years.

Well, at least I have support now. So that is progress. One step at a time.

The healing journey continues…




Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Depression, Gratitude, and a Break.

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Depression:

I feel that I need to say that I am doing better today compared to Sunday, the previous blog post.

Some posts are a reflection of my well being for the day posted, and others are my feelings for that week. The last post was how I felt on the 25th. While I struggle with depression, thanks to my commitment to mental health, the depressed days are happening less and less. I thank therapy, medicines, and changing my unhealthy behaviors/thoughts as the reasons why I’ve grown so much this year. I am suffering less from depression because I am fighting it. I have this wall that I can’t overcome without proper medicine regarding depression. Half is something that can only be managed with the anti depressant I take. It took me trying 12 others (Which breaks down to 1-3 months adjusting to the medicine, another 1-2 to taper down if it doesn’t work to avoid nasty side effects, rinse repeat. Add in the horror of the cost of some medicines, and American health insurance companies being selfish monsters, and its a nightmare. This makes working for bettering your own health a battle against two enemies, your condition(s) and the healthcare system.) before I found the medicine that my body responds to, that works. Depression is a medical condition that happens in our brains that changes the hormones it produces. Having depression is like having a constant bully that is yourself, that knows all your weaknesses and insecurities, and does everything it can to stop you from being better. Just like the classic Sun Tzu quote from the Art of War, it’s a losing battle of attrition.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
Sun Tzu, The Art of War

So, I’m not going to quit writing or blogging. My body is telling me that I need a break to recharge, so after this post I am going to take a break for a couple weeks. I’ll keep people up to date on the blog Facebook page.


Gratitude:

Sometimes what you need is a helping hand to help you. Yes, we need to be self sufficient and stand on our own. That said, everyone needs help at times. So I want to give back by acknowledging these people:

First I would like to recognize my Mom. While we live together and can drive each other crazy at times… She is always there for me at my worst. She taught me how to be an advocate for my health for me before I could. I would not be here without her. She checked up on me that night as soon as she read the post. She told me again that I can always talk to her, and that she cares for me. Thanks Mom!

Second is my lifetime friend and brother from another mother, Gus. He sent me an awesome email -The first fan mail sent to the blog email! – Checking up on me, relating to the post, and empathizing with the struggles I wrote about. I feel this summary diminishes how touched I was to read his emails and what it means to me that he did that. I want to keep this private. In it’s place I feel that Gus deserves more recognition as a modern day renaissance man with serious chops as a musician (You can check out his album on Bandcamp here) and as a writer for the South Seattle Emerald here.

Third is blogger Olivia. I am a little shy to say that I follow and enjoy her because it’s a NSFW BDSM blog. You know what? I’m a 34 year old man and I have needs. Erotic literature is one way to satisfy this… Anyway, she left this nice comment, and sent an email!

Olivia, thank you for the lovely email! I am so touched you felt concerned for a total stranger and my well being! It’s the first fan email from a blog follower! 😀

Last but not least! Is blogger nopassingfancy. In her own words from her gravatar:

Source

We’ve been following each others blogs for a while, and its really nice to chat with her! And she posted this lovely comment on Sunday 🙂:

Link to her blog! https://nopassingfancy.wordpress.com/


I never thought that online comments and email would make me so happy!

One gift that 2020 has taught me is that there are good people in the world. it would be a crime not to appreciate this. I hope I didn’t miss thanking anyone in previous post comments…!😬 If I did, please forgive me.😷 Thank you everyone who comments and follows the blog!

Post continued below…

Good old Facebook memes that describes me lately!

My fellow Americans, the election is on November 3, 2020 in 5 days! Don’t forget to Vote! Here is how to register and find how to in your state!:

https://www.usa.gov/register-to-vote


Positives. I had my second full shift of work yesterday at my new job at Clēēn Craft. My job is to pack cans of hemp infused sodas into cardboard trays from the canning machine and onto wood pallets for orders. It’s a physical, repetitive job, but I like it! For now the job is seasonal, one day a week with potential to grow into more depending on sales of our products. I like my coworkers, and I feel I am keeping up with work, doing well despite mistakes. The job is the challenge I need. It’s nice to give all I have to succeed one work day at a time. After being unemployed since January, it’s nurturing to work at a job I like.


If you would like to try the sodas we make, you can get them on Amazon here:

https://amzn.to/2TBT9PC

Or, through the company website for anyone in the world:

https://cleencraft.com/shop/


A Break:

Based on the last blog post, I need a break from blogging. Life has been tough the past month. I didn’t realize how tough until working through it in therapy on Wednesday and Thursday. This October I: had a covid test to be safe (It was negative but I had to wait a few days for results), Had to bring Coconut to the vet for the first time, had a job interview over zoom that went well but I did not get, had a job interview for a job I did get, start a new job after being unemployed for 8 months, and do all this while grieving my grandfather’s passing. All that without the stressful shitstorm that the U.S. is right now. It’s no wonder I crashed this past week.

While 2020 has been a year of inner growth, it’s felt like hell at times. After years of feeling like I’m stuck and not growing as a person despite fighting to be better, my life is progressing. Continuing my quest for my own Holy Grail: being mentally healthy, being accountable, and living a full life. I need to focus on self care, and give myself permission to be human. Rest is as important to action in growth.

A lesson my therapist taught me is to not personalize mental illness. Don’t say: “my depression”, say: “the depression I am experiencing.” This gives power back to you by treating depression as a medical condition that is treatable.

This video is a helpful reminder of depression symptoms, and shows how people without depression can help:

I blog about my feelings, my problems, the mental illness I manage because it’s empowering.

Source

So, why do I blog? Why do I write? What’s the point?

I blog because it helps me work through things. Blogging for everyone to see makes me accountable. I write about my problems because I hope that maybe it will help someone else struggling. To overcome fear, shame, ignorance, and problems, you have to face them. Change is hard. I need a break from blogging. I was reminded of the Cowardly Lion today when “If I were King of the forest” from the Wizard of Oz movie soundtrack. Sometimes all we need is a little Courage. I have three posts planned for the near future, and after that I’ll take a break from blogging for a few weeks.



Music of the post:

Chains and Things by B.B. King
You’ve got a friend by James Taylor
Walk by Foo Fighters

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

( 11/01/20: Made a few edits for clarity!)

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