I hit my goal of working for at least a year at one workplace. Despite all the friends I made there, it was time for a change. At the end of the month, the company closed and everyone was laid off. I’m glad I worked there, and grateful for all the friends made there.
February: Where one door Slams shut, others open.
Old friendships end in an awful way. I never did end up apologizing to that person. I wish I said “I’m Sorry, I can’t do this anymore. I won’t enter your house again, or bother you again.” It’s best we went our own ways. “Sometimes it’s best to leave a relationship broken, than picking up the pieces and hurt yourself. I had to face reality and move on.”
I wasn’t alone anymore because the truth set me free. There was no way for me to continue on like none of this happened. That end marked new chapters with new friends.
March: the Pandemic Saga begins
I was pretty useless in March this past year. I was heartbroken from the rejection-breakup. I had to reevaluate my entire life and life choices because of that loss. I was grieving the death of my 18 year old kitty from December 2019, I was grieving being laid off from a job I liked. It was extremely stressful at home as Mom and I adjusted to being around each other all day at home. I had a nervous breakdown on day two of a new job at the end of February and had to quit that job. I felt suicidal… This time I asked for help from Mom and I went to the hospital. Because of this difficult experience, the psychiatrist there pointed me to the right help. At home, I lived on the couch in comfortable pajamas, wrapped in a blanket. I split my time on the phone, or watching relationship and psychology videos on YouTube. I started seeing my current therapist in March, and started doing groups over zoom too. As of the date of this post, 12/31/20, I haven’t met my therapist in person yet. It’s been a weird year for therapy. Oh and I started this blog on 03/27/20!
April: Bargaining & Depression
Looking back in my journal, I was torturing myself with excessive blame and trying to right my sense of sanity. Worse yet I had to deal with all this grief in a pandemic world away from family and friends. Weekday zoom therapy groups became my social life.
May… More of the same
It was still early into my recovery phase. But this month produced two of my personal favorite blog posts this year:
I think… I have a girlfriend. 😳 The mysterious woman I met on Tinder that I’ve blogged about recently. We have communicated thus far over WhatsApp, but haven’t met in person yet because of the pandemic, and this new relationship. I’m euphoric that this is happening, and incredibly anxious because I’m worried she might reject me. I haven’t had a girlfriend before and now that’s so close I’m worried. It feels too good to be true… My dream of finding some I love, that loves me too is coming true. That also wants to meet in person. All of my suffering and hard work to become healthy has meaning. Because I earned meaning by being persistent. In my romantic life, 2020 has felt like a classic Romantic Christmas movie…. A Cinderella Christmas story for me? 2020 has also taught me to be patient, and be bold too. Please let this be real!
Covid test result: negative!
I got fantastic news today, I had a negative test result, so I don’t have Coronavirus! This is also true for everyone at work! I’m grateful for this! This means that I can meet my new beau in person soon. I’m so excited!
The end of the Tinder saga?
Today I got rid of all the dating apps I had on my phone. It was nice to get so many matches on Bumble, and even 1 on Hinge, but I’m a one woman man. Omg I can’t wait to see what life has next for me and my new lady. What an amazing turn of events!
Have love and a girlfriend is a thing I’ve secretly wish for as a Xmas present for years. And it’s here? Woah.
Today, I’ve slowly felt more exhausted over time. I hope this isn’t from covid. I haven’t had the energy to do anything but watch football games. I did some stretching earlier in the day, and that helped a little bit with my sore muscles. There isn’t a reason for this exhaustion or sore spots. Hopefully this congestion I have is due to allergies.
That’s 3 symptoms of coronavirus according to the CDC. It’s now been 8 days since I was exposed at work. I’m still waiting on results from the test I took on Friday. So, I’m staying positive, hoping for a negative!😅😷
Last Sunday, I deleted my Tinder account. Overall, I had 4 matches with real people, and 8 with fakes. Of those 4, only 2 actually met my preferences. 1 ghosted me after a little bit, and the last one I’m still talking to.
I felt like deleting it because I hadn’t had a new match in weeks. I didn’t feel like paying another $10 on top of the $30 monthly fee for super likes. It felt like most of the women I swiped were super popular users. So the only way to stand out was to pay more just to be able to send a message. No thanks.
In Tinders place I’m trying Bumble and Hinge (again). I’ve had a Bumble account for a while, with no luck… Until today when I discovered I had a match. 🙂 I swiped right today, so now I have to wait 24 hours for her to message me. Seems to be the story of 2020… Patience and waiting.
It was simple as calling the doctor’s office yesterday, and getting an appointment.
I drove to the facility and parked at a designated parking spot. I arrived to nab the one open space. Three white tents with a taped piece of paper: call ***-***-**** to check-in.
I open the phone app on my phone, and enter the phone number. As it connects, I press speaker option. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring… Nobody is picking up. The parking lot is about 80 percent full, and it’s 110pm, so they must be busy. The call ends.
I connect bluetooth and put on the Cloud of Unknowing.:
It’s a somber, soulful song which matches my worries. I don’t know how this test will turn out.
I call the number again, and check in. Now I have to wait.
I don’t have long to worry, as the man in the car in the parking spot to my right has a medical professional approach his car. The professional is wearing a white lab coat, N95 face mask, a plastic face shield, and disposable gloves.
I pause the music to observe.
The man in the car opens the door ajar, wearing a baby blue disposable mask. The professional explains the procedure to him.
Put the swab in each nostril and swab inside each for 15 seconds. Then you hand the swab back to her with your mask back on.
He finishes his test, hands the swab to her, and she tells him to expect results in 2-5 days depending on how busy the lab is. The man asks about work, and the professional says that the office will write a letter if requested for a positive result.
A moment later, the medical professional repeats the covid-19 test procedure with me. She ends with “Until you get your results, act like you have it.”
I drive home. Pondering my life. While it’s unlikely I have it, and there is a high chance I recover, I could die. I could die in the next two weeks.
I feel like I’ve barely become an average man. Never known romantic love, what it feels like to achieve a dream, never been independent, haven’t even had an amazing date… Haven’t had sex.
Is this really it? Is this really the best I could do in 34 years?
I’m trying to be positive about my life. But I’m not satisfied how it is. I hope my destiny isn’t to die from covid.
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Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
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