Tag Archives: blogging

Whoops!

This was the only result for "Whoops" in the pexel free photo feature in WordPress. Bird unrelated to post.
This was the only result for “Whoops” in the pexel free photo feature in WordPress. Bird unrelated to post.

I didn’t realize it’s been 11 days since the last post!

My bad! I totally didn’t intend for this to happen! Sorry!

Life is moving along as I’m feeling comfortable in this new life. Kinda been in a loop of work, play, sleep, visit with cats… Repeat. I have had blogging on the back of my mind…. Wondering if I should write about this or that…. No that doesn’t feel right yet, and so on. Hm, Anxiety. I still haven’t setup or looked for a therapist, despite needing one, because I’ve been procrastinating about health insurance. I haven’t had any coverage for 40 days now. The problem is that my state health insurance finder website doesn’t accept payments, so I have to call the company during business hours to pay… Because I can’t do it on their website… Which I can’t do because they require a plan number before you can even sign up. Ugh.


had inspiration from this comment:

(link to nopassingfancy about cooking)

Hope this is okay to share!

Of course! I can write a recipe post! I haven’t had one in a long time, and it’s something I mentioned in

About Me

Therefore…. I got an idea. I’ll do 10 recipe posts for the rest of October!

Recipes (Boy, this sure is bare… Time to restock the cupboard!)

Finally a blogging/writing goal that inspires me! I’ll do some usual “Life check-ins with the word” posts sprinkled between. (or maybe another form of self torture…. )

I’ve been in a cooking mood again since I took that break. One of my goals is to eat better, another to cut my expenses since I’ve gone out too often for lunch the past 3 months at my job. I’m apparently in the top tier of weed trimmers at work, and though I haven’t had a review yet, but I’ve gotten lots of positive feedback from my boss, and new employees come to me for tips.


The recipes…

So tomorrow, I’ll post the first of three recipes. I cook everything first before I post. I haven’t made the first two recipes before. They will be my meals for dinner/lunch probably for the next week.

First up: Jamaican Jerk Pork…

Picture of an oven with a pan of simmering Jerk Pork, and 2 other glass pans with chopped root vegetables. All roasting at 450 F
Cooking in the oven right now! (Well, it’ll likely be done by the time you read this 😅) Also pictured, a future recipe: Roasted root vegetables with herbs.

This is the first time to my knowledge that I’ve made Jamaican Jerk Pork Shoulder before. I didn’t buy scotch bonnet peppers because I had several bottles of spicy hot sauce in the cupboard, all with a little bit in each container. I can’t eat much spicy food these days as it burns all the way through, but I believe that I made this hot enough like Jerk spice seasoning is known for. As I type this at 6:33pm PST, I hope this turns out delicious!


Thanks for reading! I’m so thankful that you still follow, even though I’ve been flaky.

Back from the break

Tweet: Sorry for not keeping in touch, I have literally nothing to say.

I’m back blogging

I’m not sure what else to say here. The time off helped.

I’m not completely refreshed about writing/blogging. Not having to do it for 3 weeks was necessary. I’m really hard on myself whenever I mess up. A recovering perfectionist.

I really needed that break. It forced me to do other fulfilling activities such as cooking instead. My brain needed a rest.

I dunno how often I’ll be putting out posts… For now all I know is that I’m back to a regular schedule. I need deadlines and routines to function. I’m finally feeling comfortable at work, and am starting to notice some headspace to think about other things.

It’s taken me a long time to be comfortable at work. At a place I like working at. That’s a big deal for me.

I gotta trust the process, and appreciate the small steps. So, this post is the best I can do.

Long term, I’ll have to schedule breaks in the future.

Thank you for continuing to support the blog!

I feel like quitting blogging

Grim, huh? But the Truth.

This has been something bothering me for a long time. But after reading this post by Renard’s World (and a few related linked posts at the end)…

It’s clear that I don’t love blogging. I do love interacting with fellow bloggers in the comments, but that’s about it. I guess I started the blog as a way to express myself and connect with others in the world, and to find out if I was any good at this. I was hoping to finally be good at something. I’ve kinda achieved those.

I don’t know why I do this, or why anyone would want to read this blog.

I don’t see what benefit improving anything would change.

If I’m being honest, I don’t love myself. I’m burned out on life. Having multiple mental illnesses doesn’t help. Not being able to trust others doesn’t help. I just kinda exist for the sake of it. So, I guess I need a bunch of further time in therapy to change myself. Having regular therapy helped me last year in being consistent.

I don’t know what I want from life. I wish that “nothing” was an acceptable answer. All I know is that blogging isn’t fulfilling or helpful to me for now.

EDIT: This was a bit rash, and too much. I’m going to take a three week break instead of indefinite.

You can always reach me by email or in the comments. The blog email is in the “Contact” page. Thank you for reading.

Time to Return to Therapy

I’ve hit a wall with blogging

Which is: I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure what purpose it serves in my life. Last year, I had a bunch of things to work through and express. Now, the biggest problem is why. Why do I blog, why write? Or the biggest obstacle I have in life… Why do anything?

I know there are answers out there, and people who’ve been here before.

More than anything, I’m long past “working hard” on everything. Life feels like an endless carrot on a stick.

I’m tired of never being enough. Never being healthy enough, never making enough money, never being attractive enough to date, and so on.

I’m tired of self improvement. I want to feel enough. Maybe I’ve been isolated far too long. I’m so exhausted from the pandemic.


I’m lonely and don’t trust anyone. (Especially myself)

I’m lonely but love solitude. I want a romantic relationship but feel so unconfident in myself. I want to trust people, but I’m wary of being betrayed, lied to, or taken for granted. Being hurt again, or hurting another person because of my actions.

Despite being vulnerable about my emotional life on the blog, I’m most afraid of being rejected by anyone close after I open up to them.

I can’t be invisible anymore. I was a chameleon for many years, and I refuse to be that anymore. I don’t want to suffer like that. Being average is okay. I want a healthy amount of attention and interaction.

I realized that because of the COVID pandemic, my trust in people in the US and the world has imploded over the vaccine refusal. Over the resistance to wearing masks.

I’m worried about getting COVID-19 from a third of the population, even though I’m fully vaccinated and been careful. I guess, rightfully so after exposures at two different jobs.


I need to return to therapy

Its been 3 months? 4? I honestly can’t remember. This year is fuzzy. Feels like the days blend together.

Whenever my last appointment was with my therapist and treatment team… Its been long enough. The original plan was to take a short break to reassess what I needed for treatment. I didn’t know what my health insurance would be like, but now I do. My new plan is in September.

Therapy work list:

  • Trust issues
  • Social anxiety
  • Pandemic PTSD
  • Help with healthy friendships
  • Life coaching
  • Helping me get unstuck from this unsatisfying loop.
  • And many other issues.

I’m tired of having an anonymous life. Tired of not being satisfied with life. Tired of complaining. Ugh.


Man… When will I be fixed?

Thanks for reading!

The Pandemic Blues

The Pandemic Blues

I’ve got the pandemic blues

Gonna need a third shot while the rest of the world waits for one

Seems the world’s falling apart anyway

Not slept well… since I don’t know when

The time before feels so long ago

Been ready for this to be over

The Delta rages in The Delta as people lose their minds plugged to their tvs

Faux fox Hocking lies to feed the bottom line

Who cares who dies as long as their free

People stressing me out not wearing masks right

Cover your mouth, cover your nose

Open your eyes, open your ears

Can’t you see the children dying?

Can’t you hear our pleas for help?

You ain’t listening, you ain’t paying attention

I ain’t playing politics, I’m trying to save your life

Guess it’s impossible to change the mind of fools ~

Stay 6 feet away

Keep the disease to yourself

You’ll be sorry some day

Cause now that I know how you really are…

Im free while you’re willingly in chains

All I can do is shake my head and wish you well


Thanks for reading! This is the first time I’ve posted something like this (made up lyrics), so tell me what you think in the comments!

Post will be out tomorrow…

Sorry for the delay folks. The heat wave this week has wiped me out. I haven’t slept well this week, or the other scorching days this summer. Thankfully, I’m getting hooked up with a free air-conditioning until tomorrow, and have an additional fan on the way on like Tuesday.

I also worked a couple hours Saturday to make up time I missed last week due to a cold.

Therefore, I’d rather not make the mistake of not communicating anything, and practicing self care by not worrying about this as I go to bed.

Thanks for understanding, have a good night!

What The Fuck?! (NSFW?)

Caught with my pants down.

(Sorry mom, I know you read the blog 😂)

I want to say I was tricked, but that absolves me of blame. I fell for this. I’m upset because I was tricked. Frustrated because I fell for another catfish.

On the other hand, I’m like …fuck this! I’m not going to let a shitty person threatening me to control me. I’m not going to allow this bullshit to effect my dating or sex life.

Sexting turned into a video call with a naked woman on the other end. Things were sexy for a decent amount of time to not suspect what comes next.

She turned the tables and took a screenshot of me with my pants down caught red handed.

She threatened to expose me by mass messaging family members.

I feel kept my cool and reported for harassment and showing graphic stuff to people like nudes. Made a post on my Facebook wall, and story. Like this was so blatantly blackmail that I could be focused on protecting myself.

While I was doing this, the other person is threatening to spread the picture and a shot video of me (didn’t know about til then) in the act to everyone I know, and specifically my mom. I think I managed to block and report them in time.

I’m most baffled at the kind of human being that would do this to people! For money? Ugh. Just…. What the Fuck? What a monster.

I guess I’ve won for now. That was really scary. I’m assuming nobody has seen anything.

Somewhere out there online there might be the only nudes and sexy video of me.

I’ve never taken those kinds of pictures of myself before. Never felt the need to. In a way, I’m disappointed by that because I haven’t experienced that in a relationship yet.

( I don’t understand why guys 1) take naked pictures, and 2) send them to women on dating apps without consent or as the first message?)

I dunno if I should be posting about this. I feel stupid to be tricked, upset that I was harassed and threatened, violated because someone tried to shame me by turning on me and using my sexual needs against me.

I guess I needed to vent because I’m figuring out this hurt. I don’t know if this is grief or a long term problem?

Hm, I need to talk to a therapist.

This might be my fear or anxiety talking, but it feels right to post about it here. It’s a risky, weird post. (Am I making this situation worse, or am I overthinking it?)

It’s been really hard to stay positive lately. Fuckin life sometimes…

For the love of God, can I please avoid this ever again by being 5 years into a great romantic relationship?

Ugh.

A half dozen days since the chickens died

The eggs live on after the chickens. Included are the last feathers from Edna (top left, all white), Betty ( second row, brown and white), and Nutmeg (far right, brown and white).

On Chickens

Edna and Nutmeg were 4 year old hens born in Duvall WA. They lived a life typical of hens living in the city after growing up in the countryside. They’d wake up around 7am every day, climb down their house and wait to be let out into the yard. Every day, they’d dutifully do their jobs as chickens: laying eggs, searching for bugs to eat, dig in the dirt when warm for a dirt bath, perch on objects to be in a patch of sunlight, eat the food my mother bought them. Each time my mother or me was outside, they follow us as we walked to the alley, often squawking to us as hello. I’d greet them each time with a “Hello girls” or by name. Betty was independent, kinda crazy, and at the top of the pecking order from day 1. Nutmeg was a typical groupie and usually at the bottom of it. Nice but a pushover to the other chickens.

I helped, but the Chickens were my mom’s thing. She did the dirty work of cleaning their coop and taking care of them whenever the chickens had treatable ailments. She found them dead. Apparently it happened like an hour before I got home from work, as mom worked from home today.

To say the two chickens died, is a gentle way of saying viciously murdered.

There wasn’t a noisy ruckus by Edna or Nutmeg, or a sign something was wrong.

The chickens could be quite noisy when they wanted to. They’d squawk every day while laying eggs, in that classic chicken way. It wouldn’t take much for them to alert someone in the house.

This crime happened so fast, the victims never had a chance.

No sign of forced entry. The exterior and interior fences undisturbed.

No witnesses.

Inside was a gruesome murder scene.

Decapitations with further gore.

There was clear signs of struggle. Bloody feathers, and occasional blood spots.

Mom found them. Later said that she let out some loud explicit words. In shocked agony of these murders.

Her guess is that a “raptor bird” or other predatory bird swooped in and killed the chickens. Which do live in the area. We’ve spotted hawks, falcons, owls, and bald eagles from the backyard before. Not that surprising considering Seward Park is close. (Which is a large wooded park with the nests of many birds including bald eagles)

(All I can imagine are flying velociraptors from Jurassic Park when she said raptors did it. )

( I guess nature is far more brutal. )

(Further, that I as a privileged person in the modern world…am privileged to have chickens as pets, and that we didn’t have to eat them.)

By the time I went in the coop to inspect, mom had already buried the chickens. It felt odd stepping in their fenced area as that portion of the backyard had been theirs for 5+ years for this generation and the last. Sure enough they really were gone.

The only evidence was fluffy white feathers from Edna, and orange-brown and white feathers from Nutmeg strewn about.

Hard to believe that they’re gone.

I’ve been looking to the coop, for the chickens out of habit through the kitchen window above the sink. A habit developed these past 5 years. They always had something going on, a project or task throughout the day. Each evening they’d march into their coop to perch on a branch at the top to sleep. The hens would huddle right next to another.

Mom doesn’t want to get new chickens and I don’t either, so this will likely be the last time I have chickens as a pet. It’s the only time I’ve had birds as a pet.

I’ll have to buy eggs at the store from now on…

Rest in peace: Nutmeg, Edna, and Betty.


I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been focused on work. It’s been massive life adjustment. Going from unemployed at home all day back to a 40 hour a week job in a new location is a complete change. I’ve been tired after work Also the whole lifestyle change outside of work. I’m handling it well, and doing well at my job. Another 6 weeks or so, and I’ll have energy to do activities during the week. Self care has been first priority.

Thanks for reading!

Catfished

Photo by Denise H. on Pexels.com . The catfish gets a bad rap for this terrible behavior by humans.

Catfished. Ugh.

God damnit. I feel so used. Heart slowly breaking. Angry, hurt, seething, confused sad, empty. Ugh.

The song of the post can only be: Who are you by The Who.

The catfish followed me on instagram, and messaged me. I thought it was genuine interest and she was hot. I was a target and fell for it because the female attention, validation, and ego stroke felt so good. Because I’ve been starved for romance, love, and dating for so long. After being lost in the dating desert, I saw an oasis and dove in for water. For a couple days, I ate my fill, the madness of “love”. I felt my love tank, filling. A tank I haven’t felt filled much before. It feels like something I can only get from other people.

I’ve learned from past encounters with catfish to be wary of anyone online. So I used the reverse image search function on google photos. Then I used: http://imgops.com/upload which is another tool suggested by the catfish subreddit.

I found a match on twitter for someone with a different name, identical photo. 🚩. So I looked that name up on Facebook and found like 20 clone accounts with different photos of that person.

Turns out it was the woman mentioned in this article by vice… An instagram model/porn star:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/y3dm8k/model-sabrina-nichole-catfish-scam-interview

This model’s face, and photos have been used by thousands of catfish scammers. Sometimes for huge amounts of money. Whoever the person who tricked me into a romantic relationship, then tried to ask me to buy gift cards, used her photos. I said goodnight, then reported/blocked on whatsapp. The instagram account that started this, was deleted before I could report it.

Guess it was too good to be true. Online dating is tough because on some level you have to trust the person on the other end is who they say they are. Maybe I was thinking too much with my other head.

So I’m back to the relationship desert. I guess the oasis was a partial illusion because the sand I “drank” had some water. Some nutritional value.

People who trick people like this are the worst scum of humanity. The sick part is that they took time to get to know me.

Maybe it was a placebo. The audiobooks Breakup Triage by Susan Winter, a relationship expert I like, has helped a bit today.

In summary, I didn’t lose a penny. I lost some time, but got to practice being vulnerable. Got to practice expressing loving feelings. I’m pissed off about the situation and loss. Still left bitter and hurt. I think what hurts the most is being upset at myself for falling for this. It’s embarrassing to admit.

I really despise that catfishing is such a problem with online dating.

Therapy helped, even if it was short. I’m so glad my therapist fit me in for an appointment. Sigh, I know this pain will pass, and I’ll be happy to date again. But wtf humanity.


Well, work is going well and I’m doing well according to my bosses. So that’s good. Oh, and my aunt that was hospitalized is okay, so that’s good too. In one more week, I’ll be fully vaccinated so I can resume doing stuff with people.Soon it will be safe to visit friends. Gratitude is bittersweet when hurt like this.

Sorry for being late with the post.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Just like that… Life changes

Time to face the strange.

On Tuesday, I was finally able to schedule the shot. The shot the world has been waiting for. As we watched the world behind a mask. Wednesday, with little fuss I got the first dose of the Pfizer covid-19 vaccine. The whole process took a total of 25 minutes once I arrived at Lumen field. In fact, it took longer to travel there than getting the vaccine.

Time may change me

13+ months following the rules for survival. Masking up every time I go outside… Passing people on sidewalks as I would a commercial truck passing a car like when driving. Glaring at assholes with their masks not on. People became hazardous objects. Practicing steady breathing each time I had to go grocery shopping. Holding my breath, pressing against aisles to maintain space. Anxiety spiking each time some selfish local dumbass not being courteous in closed spaces. Socializing existing on the internet only. The number of times I saw friends a family… I can count on one hand After the Pandemic.

The pandemic isn’t over yet. Like when Biden was sworn in on January 20th, I felt a huge weight lifted off me. One more shot to go, and I’ll be safe. Finally, an ending.

Just gonna have to be a different man

A new beginning. Today I got a new job! Full time work as a cannabis processor with a company that looks great to work for. I had a really good vibe in the interview Monday. I’ve been in shock today. My life is finally moving forward. My hard work the past year is paying off. A year ago I was at rock bottom. 15 months since my last full time job.

Therapy was amazing on Thursday. My therapist and me got to celebrate all these achievements. All the hard work paying off. All the hours last year on zoom working through my problems. Showing up every week ready to do the work. Choosing to be vulnerable, honest, and open to feedback.

Talking about everything made me cry. I wept tears of joy. I’m choosing to appreciate these wonderful feelings instead of the future. Its been a very long time that I’ve felt tears of joy because of a tough goal. A hard earned win. It’s been a tough year. Living through 2020 by itself is an amazing thing.

It is possible to change for the better.

Gratitude

I’m only here because I didn’t give up on therapy. I gave it another shot because I asked for help. My needs weren’t being fulfilled, and I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I’m here because I used the past year to work on myself full time. Daily therapy zoom groups, weekly therapy appointments with homework, reading relevant books, youtube videos about relationships and psychology, Mark manson articles, subreddits, Spotify meditation/mindfulness/positive affirmations tracks, and blogging. All thanks to being laid off from Willie’s Reserve. Thanks unemployment! Thanks WA Applecare! Thanks Mom! Thank you blog readers! Thank you friends!

No more covid Limbo

I can finally feel safe to visit people. The world will return to normal. All we have to do is persist a little bit longer. The end of the pandemic is on its way. All thanks to the covid-19 vaccines.

Thank you, science!


P.S. This isn’t to say I’m not anxious or free from doubts. It’s just nice to appreciate good things happening.

It hasn’t hit me that I actually have a full time job on Monday. With this I can get a new car. With this I can move out on my own. With both the vaccine and the job, I can live life again. I wonder what I’ll be like a year from today?

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