Tag Archives: Accountability

Post will be out tomorrow…

Sorry for the delay folks. The heat wave this week has wiped me out. I haven’t slept well this week, or the other scorching days this summer. Thankfully, I’m getting hooked up with a free air-conditioning until tomorrow, and have an additional fan on the way on like Tuesday.

I also worked a couple hours Saturday to make up time I missed last week due to a cold.

Therefore, I’d rather not make the mistake of not communicating anything, and practicing self care by not worrying about this as I go to bed.

Thanks for understanding, have a good night!

Another lay off 🤬😦🤦/The Mirror

Itll be good to get a haircut and beard trim. I could lose some weight too 😜 😅

This post was written in pieces through this week and I had a different plan in mind. Friday at the end of work changed it.

Layoff number 3 in a row.

First reaction in my head while learning about the layoff.

Unfortunately I called it before it happened. I saw the signs… Grim face on my boss after he read an email on the PC in the work area… A mysterious announcement at the end of work, then, calling people one by one to meet with them. All signs I saw before at my last two jobs, which I was laid off from. I happened to be the last to find out as I was the last person called in.

I think I had a good poker face in the exit interview. Kept it professional.

3 lay offs in a row… Really life?

I’m fine. Or as my family joked after dad died: Fine = Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. Fuck. It’s painful to be laid off as is. 3 times in a row. 🤬 My emotions are a raging torrent inside. I dunno if I have it me to work another two weeks. It ain’t like they (former employer) treated me unkindly… –Like the lyric from Don’t think twice by Bob Dylan– But I have limits. I recognize that the wound is fresh, and I’m hurting from this loss. But I feel this would be self harm. I deserve better. I refuse to put up with people or things that hurt me.

Unfortunately, there aren’t that many cannabis job postings for the same job in my area right now. So I’ll give this employer one week because they’ve been good to me. I have a barber shop appointment at a place close to work. I have unemployment left, thanks to the extensions.

Maybe I’m handling this situation calmly because I’ve set appropriate boundaries with work. It’s a conditional relationship, and a capitalist relationship. I have to do what’s best for me as a worker, because we are replaceable. I don’t have to show up tomorrow if I don’t want to. I have FU money. (Well, poverty level FU money. 😅 I wish I had rich person FU money, lol )

For the first time since last year when I chose values for myself, I am in a values conflict. So I’ll work one more optional week because it helps me grow as a person. This last week showing up with my best for someone else will help my future self show up best for me. I deserve it. I deserve to be treated well, and treat myself well.

I have one job lead for a cannabis retail job, but it’s not ideal. I am grateful for this from my friend Chris. Retail work is not something I’m naturally good at. Extraverted jobs are a natural weakness for a typical introvert like me. (Correction: two job leads. My cousin that I consider my older sister… Needs my help next month. The job is to help her with my aunt’s house. )

Maaaaan… Things were starting to look up, so being laid off is frustrating. I feel betrayed by my employer.

But… This quote from Models by Mark Manson (who quoted this from No more Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover) has been playing in my head since Friday:

“What if it (any difficult situation in life) was a gift?”

Robert Glover, No more Mr nice guy.
I hate this quote at times because I’m tired of “losing” in work.

The Man in the Mirror

I’m not satisfied with the reflection of myself right now. That’s on me. I can do better, and I want to do better. This is from a position of peace of mind, not insecurities. I want to have the best possible life I can, for me first, then others. I am enough. I can do better, too. I’m ready.

Despite the chickens dying last week, life has been pretty good. Pretty much sleep, work, eat, play with cats, smoke a bowl of pot, go to bed early because I’m tired, sleep.

Ready to integrate, to have a social life again.

An in person social life. It finally feels safe to hang out with people. I’ve been fully vaccinated for a month, yet still hesitant to reach out to friends while also feeling lonely. So, two weeks ago, I set up an appointment at a barber shop. It’s the first time I’ll be going to one, and the plan is to get a professional haircut and beard trim. I haven’t had a haircut in over a year, and frankly look like a scraggly hobo. I don’t like feeling this way.

I’m feeling over cutting my hair myself. A plus of the pandemic is that I learned that I like having long hair, and a long beard. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be worried about my appearance, and how great it feels to look the best you can. I deserve to treat myself and take care of myself for myself first, because I’m worthy. Get a goal, I get to practice self care, get to practice feeling enough, and I get to go out and socialize with new people in a new place. My future self will thank me.

Figured out new things to work on myself

  • Professional Haircut and beard trim. (Tired of cheap cuts and the inconsistency)
  • Clothes. I need to sort through what I have. I’ve remembered what it felt like to dress well, and feel proud of myself for it.
  • Hangout with friends and meet new people.
  • Need financial advice for my plans to get a car, and move out likely to an apartment.
  • I’d like to join an ultimate frisbee group/team. And/or a muy tai gym… I enjoyed some muy tai classes last year with my brother and a friend. (The obstacle to this is if they’re open now, and if they require being vaccinated. I don’t want to risk getting covid in an enclosed space grappling with people who aren’t vaccinated.)
  • Go out into nature. Like once a month. Hiking or whatever.
  • It’s been years since I last saw a game in person in the Seattle stadiums. I haven’t been to a Seahawks game at Lumen field before. Been like seven years since my last Mariners game. To be fair, they’ve sucked for years. Being a Mariners fan is painful at times. I’d like to go to a Seattle Kraken game this season. They’re a new expansion NHL team, and this is their first season. I don’t know much about hockey, so this will be fun to learn.
  • Want to get my first tattoo. Then see how I feel about another after some time. I’ve wanted to get a tattoo and had it in the back of my head for years.
  • And of course, dates and dating. I’m getting used to the reality that this is a marathon. I’m not perfect and that’s okay. I’m okay with self improvement.

The next step: change from a pandemic hermit.

So, back to dressing well to feel good, get a new look, do activities that interest me, and learn to be a friend. Back to the self work I had as a goal before the pandemic.

It’s time to see friends, and lead by example. I have to follow through on reconnecting with all the people in life. I miss many people, and the pandemic really clarified what I will have with boundaries and values.

Saturday update: I went and hung out with my friend Chris at his house. It was a wonderful time. It was a cookout for his birthday, so we smoked, I met a friend of his, and his gf, and we chilled. They have 4 dogs, and two cats, so I got to visit them too. It felt weird going to an indoor place without a mask, even though everyone is vaccinated, but after a little bit it felt normal. It felt good to be comfortable with friends again. Oh yeah, and he had Pepsi Blue! I thought it didn’t exist anymore, but it does! So I drank 3 sodas while hanging out Saturday. It was like drinking a time warp to sophomore year in highschool. When I’d drink this after snowboarding.

Monday edit: How could I forgot to mention… I got to meet my friends infant daughter. It was the first time in my life where I was able to interact with a baby… Without the baby being forced on me, or I’m guilt tripped for not wanting to hold the baby. I like and am good with kids. Don’t force it on me. One, it crosses a boundary by entering my physical space, and Two, I want to experience things in life on my own. I don’t have to have the same experiences my parents had.

So, this nice experience with my friends daughter helped me with this.

Feels weird to think that I can resume a social life. Today, I feel like a massive weight was lifted. I’m not feeling lonely as I have felt for a while.

Friends are awesome 😎.

Now that things are safe because people are getting vaccinated, and in person activities are resuming, so shall I. My future is outside, in the world.


Some dating success

I’ve been texting this lady for a couple weeks. I’ve asked her out for different date activities, but she’s been busy. She’s sent pictures (and I’ve found no signs of a catfish yet), and been responsive to messages when she has time. I’m remaining hopeful for the best… While being cautious to protect my heart. I’m showing up, being vulnerable, and growing from past mistakes in this dating phase. I am enough. I am worthy.

Losing my job is frustrating because I feel like I can’t date without a job, but maybe that’s just insecurity. Maybe this person will be the exception and not dump me.


I’d like to give a special shout-out appreciation to the WordPress community, and fellow bloggers. You’ve been an awesome support since the beginning. I’m so grateful for you. Thank you.

And as always, Thank you everyone who read this post, and follows this blog! Was there a time you looked at yourself, accepted who you were, and knew you could do better, for you?

Unplugged

Lights out, Disconnected:

Around midnight, in the storm, blackout.

Blown away in the wind.

Only without electricity do I realize how I’m addicted to power.

Can’t cook, can’t read, can’t check the news, can’t escape via a screen, can’t connect with others.

I’m not completely sober from it today. My phone has power: 67%, I’m powerless to it.

My life is completely online. I live through screens.

An hour in, I feel withdrawal from not having my fixes– the internet, watch a video, read an article, check Facebook, read blog posts, write a blog post.

I’ll have to miss therapy today because it’s online or phone. No connection for either. It took 2 hours to send 1 text message, and 1 email.

An hour in, I consider taking my sleep meds and going back to sleep.

Holy crap is this really how I want my life to be?

Addicted to screens, sitting in a corner like a zombie as life passes by outside?

Internet addict:

I am the problem. My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict.

Only by being unplugged does this stick.

I’m so desperate for a powered on screen that I look to the digital thermometer for stimulus. I look to the clocks for a fix. No good.

This prison is of my own making. I choose every day to be it’s victim. The internet addiction demon is in control.

My worst nightmare has come true… I’m an addict just like dad. Like my late addict Aunt. The internet is my demon.

One big difference is that you’ve been committed to therapy. That’s a big deal, Rei.

Working on changing counts.

Maybe I’m crazy.

Stop being brutal to yourself. You can be honest and kind to yourself.

Time for change.

My inner connection is blinking orange.

I need a reset. I need to unplug, be offline for 30 days, and replug.

It’s been 5 hours… How much longer do I have to cope without my power fix?

Like all the powered devices around the house, I’m off.

Won’t somebody plug me back in? I can’t do it myself.

The power returns as the sun sets and darkness falls… Back into my hole I willfully go. I need some help.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being depressed…

Power on, brain off.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

5 things I learned from blogging in December 2020

Coco on her princess throne.

Ugh…

So, I’m behind on the 31 posts I promised to deliver this month. I’m a couple posts behind as of today.

Why? A couple reasons. I haven’t felt creative because my life isn’t balanced right now. I’ve been stressed out because my unemployment ran out Saturday, and I only have one shift left at my current job.

Christmas usually fills a couple needs such as family connection, creativity, and expressing my love language of gift giving. Instead, covid shopping was stressful, Christmas turned into a family argument, and it felt like a lame birthday. Guess I’m burned out again.


Home doesn’t feel like home…

While this is the house I grew up in and lived all my life, it’s not home. Along with this, I haven’t left the country for 12 years. All because my combination of untreated depression, anxiety, ADHD, and autism controlled my life.

Maybe its because my residence feels like a solitary confinement cell. While I can leave the house, I’m tired of all the surroundings in walking distance. I haven’t wanted to live here for years, and have been burned out by Seattle for years.


Work/life Catch-22…

While I should be grateful that I have this treated now, it’s frustrating to be here in the pandemic. Can’t move out because I need a job for money over time. Limited in work I can do because of my health. Apply to work, but not hear back from employers, or am not chosen. Can’t get a job farther away because I don’t have my own car. Can’t buy a car because I need to live off my savings because I’m unemployed and don’t know how long this will last. Every job has hundreds to thousands of people applying.


Distanced Girlfriend…

I have an girlfriend, but it’s online only for now, essentially a long distance relationship due to the coronavirus risk. I’m paranoid she’s a catfish. Positive signs are that she hasn’t asked for things, she wants to meet up, the gift she promised was delivered, and the background research I’ve done has checked out. With this, I’ve prepared myself by researching how catfish scams work. On the positive side, I’ll get to experience all the wonderful things I’ve missed out on once we meet. She is my first girlfriend ever. Hopefully the last if things continue to go well! (I like to think I’ll be okay for whatever happens. There is no guarantee in love or life.)

The tie Xmas present from my lady!

I hate that catfishing is a thing…


The blog in 2021

On January 2, 2021 (This Saturday! Holy crap! 2020 is almost over!!!), I’ll be returning to posting once a week. I feel the quality of posts has declined lately, and with the pandemic not likely to end soon, it’s the best I can do. I need more time to refill the creative tank. Catching up with friends, family, and my lady over text doesn’t fill my needs for human connection much.

Writing every day has been fulfilling. Every person, and especially creative people need to be a part of the world. I’m no different. My tank is low and I need a refill. This goal was great because it forced me to push me to improving. To find my limits, and grow.

I didn’t think I would feel this need for social connections with people as a former hermit… As a person recovering from social anxiety. 2020 has been a strange year…


Song of the post:


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.


Previous December blog marathon posts:

Reality Check

A broken mirror... A reflection of me right now.

Reality Check…

It’s time to get my shit together, or I might lose my girlfriend.

I need to get a job.

My inner alarm blares.

I’m not sure what else I need to do. Applying for work, tailoring my cover letter, and updated my resume. I want to work. Being unemployed lost it’s appeal in the summer.

I’m frustrated…

This year feels like the post 08 recession job market.

I don’t want to be taken care of.

I am responsible for taking care of myself.

What am I missing?

Dammit, I’m tired of entry level work. It’s such a gamble to find great jobs. (I’d settle for any acceptable work at this point that doesn’t require a car.)

I need to step up today.

This is not who I dreamed of being when I was a child. (Then again I don’t remember having a specific dream adult version of myself.)

It’s time I figure out who I want to be.

How I give back to the world, with the abilities I have.

I’m not in survival mode any longer. No more excuses.

Good job on this achievement! You do it. You are doing the work. Keep at it. Continue to celebrate each success along the path of life.

Time to be a adult. One day at a time.

You can do better than right now Reilly.

You got this. Keep at it.

Break the chains, break free.

The persistent win.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Blog Post Marathon, 12/01/20

To be honest, I have no plan for achieving this writing goal of 1 post a day for the month of December. I’ve been thinking about goals, and decided to just go for it and do it. Last month I wanted to do Nanowrimo, but I didn’t do it because I was distracted by the arduous 2020 election here in the US.

I’ve been a Biden Supporter, so it was fantastic to see him win. I’ve been horrified this year as Trump made the corona virus pandemic into a political issue rather than a human issue. Then Trump challenging all the swing states in court drew the election out further. I don’t have a problem with him wanting recounts to verify results. Acting like a buffoon wasn’t necessary. 50 days to go until he is out of office for good. After that, it will be another few months until the new politicians in DC come up with an plan to tackle Covid-19. So, I’m preparing myself for another 6-8 months of lock down life. I hate lock down life. And I feel like an idiot because I’ve been wearing a mask, avoiding people and groups by distancing, and staying at home since March… All while half this country doesn’t because they don’t care about other people. Because of that this disaster will drag on into 2021. It’s not like wearing a mask over your mouth and nose is difficult, or standing 6 feet away from people, or avoiding crowds. The covid pandemic has permanently changed my mind about America. My feeling is that now it will require harsh laws to get people to follow. I really wish Joe Biden would say: “Shut the fuck up, put on a mask, distance from people, and grow up. Nobody gets their way 100% of the time.” It’s bullshit that these people get access to vaccines. It’s rewarding bad behavior. Instead of a stimulus check, these people should be sent a bill to pay for the hospital costs of the dead. I’m tired of being bitter.

274,743 Americans are currently dead. With more going to die into next year from Covid-19. 9/11 happened when I was a teenager, and during that time, those same people were saying we needed to unify as a country to prevent another 9/11 from happening. That it could happen every day. Well, here we are. In the past 3 days alone, more people have died from covid than during 9/11. 2996 people died then, 3281 people in the past 3 days in the US from covid. Source. Though the war in Afghanistan goes on, it doesn’t have to. Humanity has no idea what the long term effects of Covid-19 exposure are. I forgot where I was going with this, so in summary, I am ashamed to be an American. I’m embarrassed at other American adults right now in the pandemic. No I won’t forget how you acted this year. Not following the safety guidelines is a moral issue. To not follow them, or scoff at this simple request is a demonstration of your poor values. I feel like Rowdy Roddy Piper in the following scene from the movie They Live (If you haven’t seen it before, I recommend you watch it today! I don’t want to give away too much, but it is a Sci-fi masterpiece):

Shut the fuck up and put on your mask properly outside. Stand 6 feet from others. I’m done being polite.

Maybe I should start bringing a 6 foot pole around.


This interview of President Obama really hits the nail on how I feel right now. Exhausted. Boy it’s nice to watch a president and feel at ease.

Despite how maddening right now is, I am doing all I can, which is the only thing I can control. I’ve felt like a hermit this year, spending the year working on my problems and myself because I can’t do anything else. While I have spent the other part of the year online, browsing Reddit, watching anime, tv, and movies, I’m tired of it. As a recovering agoraphobic, I didn’t think that I would miss being around people. I certainly didn’t expect that I would be comfortable talking to women or being comfortable to date. I think I’ve struggled the most this year with if I have made progress or grown as a person. Internal validation only goes so far when your struggles are around socializing with people. I think the only reason I’ve stayed somewhat sane this year is by focusing on goals.

Current goals:

  • Goal: Within 6 months buy a somewhat new car with great MPG.
  • Goal: Within a year move out from my Mom’s house on my own.
  • Goal: Within 3 months get a job that pays enough for me to be independent. Might take longer, that’s okay.
  • Goal: Within 1 month go on one date, in person, distanced, wearing a mask.
  • Goal: Write 30 posts in 30 days of December 2020. Can be any kind of writing.
  • Goal: Don’t go on Reddit or Facebook for 30 days in a row. I need a break. Limit my time around time sink websites that don’t help better myself.
  • Goal: find a long term career.
  • Goal: Be the change you want in the world, and yourself.
  • Goal: hang out with friends.
  • Goal: Get a Girlfriend by becoming someone women want to date.

Songs of the post:

Tired of being alone by Al Green
Living in America by James Brown
No scrubs by TLC

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Are You Ready To Love? Written by Alexandra Maria Santos.

I asked some relationship questions to relationship & Dating blogger, Ouso Escrever…. And she wrote a post about it! That’s so awesome, and I’m so grateful she wrote this! This reblog is written by Alexandra Maria Santos, and all writing belongs to her.

I plan on answering the great questions she posted below in December.


“Reilly writes: I enjoy learning about relationships on your blog! I have two questions that I would be interested in seeing a post about: How do you know you are ready for dating? (Is there a checklist or guide), and Why would someone want to date at all, when you’ve never had any positive experiences with dating and have little romantic relationship history? I’m okay being single, but not for the rest of my life! I feel I’ve really missed out”

(After reading my comment again, I feel like I might be catastrophizing my few dates. I’d say 3 were okay to mild disappointment, and the rest okay to negative. Well, that’s my previous dating experience. It doesn’t mean all of my dates will suck. That means amazing dates are on the way!😐 🙂)

“We sometimes go in and out of relationships and not really know (or understand) what’s getting in the way. What makes some relationships click and others not so much, or why we or someone else walks away or refuses to. It’s important to look at what WE bring to the table.” Vijayeta Sinh Ph.D.

Are You Ready To Love? – Article requested by Reilly

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 


Depression, Gratitude, and a Break.

Source

Depression:

I feel that I need to say that I am doing better today compared to Sunday, the previous blog post.

Some posts are a reflection of my well being for the day posted, and others are my feelings for that week. The last post was how I felt on the 25th. While I struggle with depression, thanks to my commitment to mental health, the depressed days are happening less and less. I thank therapy, medicines, and changing my unhealthy behaviors/thoughts as the reasons why I’ve grown so much this year. I am suffering less from depression because I am fighting it. I have this wall that I can’t overcome without proper medicine regarding depression. Half is something that can only be managed with the anti depressant I take. It took me trying 12 others (Which breaks down to 1-3 months adjusting to the medicine, another 1-2 to taper down if it doesn’t work to avoid nasty side effects, rinse repeat. Add in the horror of the cost of some medicines, and American health insurance companies being selfish monsters, and its a nightmare. This makes working for bettering your own health a battle against two enemies, your condition(s) and the healthcare system.) before I found the medicine that my body responds to, that works. Depression is a medical condition that happens in our brains that changes the hormones it produces. Having depression is like having a constant bully that is yourself, that knows all your weaknesses and insecurities, and does everything it can to stop you from being better. Just like the classic Sun Tzu quote from the Art of War, it’s a losing battle of attrition.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
Sun Tzu, The Art of War

So, I’m not going to quit writing or blogging. My body is telling me that I need a break to recharge, so after this post I am going to take a break for a couple weeks. I’ll keep people up to date on the blog Facebook page.


Gratitude:

Sometimes what you need is a helping hand to help you. Yes, we need to be self sufficient and stand on our own. That said, everyone needs help at times. So I want to give back by acknowledging these people:

First I would like to recognize my Mom. While we live together and can drive each other crazy at times… She is always there for me at my worst. She taught me how to be an advocate for my health for me before I could. I would not be here without her. She checked up on me that night as soon as she read the post. She told me again that I can always talk to her, and that she cares for me. Thanks Mom!

Second is my lifetime friend and brother from another mother, Gus. He sent me an awesome email -The first fan mail sent to the blog email! – Checking up on me, relating to the post, and empathizing with the struggles I wrote about. I feel this summary diminishes how touched I was to read his emails and what it means to me that he did that. I want to keep this private. In it’s place I feel that Gus deserves more recognition as a modern day renaissance man with serious chops as a musician (You can check out his album on Bandcamp here) and as a writer for the South Seattle Emerald here.

Third is blogger Olivia. I am a little shy to say that I follow and enjoy her because it’s a NSFW BDSM blog. You know what? I’m a 34 year old man and I have needs. Erotic literature is one way to satisfy this… Anyway, she left this nice comment, and sent an email!

Olivia, thank you for the lovely email! I am so touched you felt concerned for a total stranger and my well being! It’s the first fan email from a blog follower! 😀

Last but not least! Is blogger nopassingfancy. In her own words from her gravatar:

Source

We’ve been following each others blogs for a while, and its really nice to chat with her! And she posted this lovely comment on Sunday 🙂:

Link to her blog! https://nopassingfancy.wordpress.com/


I never thought that online comments and email would make me so happy!

One gift that 2020 has taught me is that there are good people in the world. it would be a crime not to appreciate this. I hope I didn’t miss thanking anyone in previous post comments…!😬 If I did, please forgive me.😷 Thank you everyone who comments and follows the blog!

Post continued below…

Good old Facebook memes that describes me lately!

My fellow Americans, the election is on November 3, 2020 in 5 days! Don’t forget to Vote! Here is how to register and find how to in your state!:

https://www.usa.gov/register-to-vote


Positives. I had my second full shift of work yesterday at my new job at Clēēn Craft. My job is to pack cans of hemp infused sodas into cardboard trays from the canning machine and onto wood pallets for orders. It’s a physical, repetitive job, but I like it! For now the job is seasonal, one day a week with potential to grow into more depending on sales of our products. I like my coworkers, and I feel I am keeping up with work, doing well despite mistakes. The job is the challenge I need. It’s nice to give all I have to succeed one work day at a time. After being unemployed since January, it’s nurturing to work at a job I like.


If you would like to try the sodas we make, you can get them on Amazon here:

https://amzn.to/2TBT9PC

Or, through the company website for anyone in the world:

https://cleencraft.com/shop/


A Break:

Based on the last blog post, I need a break from blogging. Life has been tough the past month. I didn’t realize how tough until working through it in therapy on Wednesday and Thursday. This October I: had a covid test to be safe (It was negative but I had to wait a few days for results), Had to bring Coconut to the vet for the first time, had a job interview over zoom that went well but I did not get, had a job interview for a job I did get, start a new job after being unemployed for 8 months, and do all this while grieving my grandfather’s passing. All that without the stressful shitstorm that the U.S. is right now. It’s no wonder I crashed this past week.

While 2020 has been a year of inner growth, it’s felt like hell at times. After years of feeling like I’m stuck and not growing as a person despite fighting to be better, my life is progressing. Continuing my quest for my own Holy Grail: being mentally healthy, being accountable, and living a full life. I need to focus on self care, and give myself permission to be human. Rest is as important to action in growth.

A lesson my therapist taught me is to not personalize mental illness. Don’t say: “my depression”, say: “the depression I am experiencing.” This gives power back to you by treating depression as a medical condition that is treatable.

This video is a helpful reminder of depression symptoms, and shows how people without depression can help:

I blog about my feelings, my problems, the mental illness I manage because it’s empowering.

Source

So, why do I blog? Why do I write? What’s the point?

I blog because it helps me work through things. Blogging for everyone to see makes me accountable. I write about my problems because I hope that maybe it will help someone else struggling. To overcome fear, shame, ignorance, and problems, you have to face them. Change is hard. I need a break from blogging. I was reminded of the Cowardly Lion today when “If I were King of the forest” from the Wizard of Oz movie soundtrack. Sometimes all we need is a little Courage. I have three posts planned for the near future, and after that I’ll take a break from blogging for a few weeks.



Music of the post:

Chains and Things by B.B. King
You’ve got a friend by James Taylor
Walk by Foo Fighters

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

( 11/01/20: Made a few edits for clarity!)

Is something better than nothing?

Am I good enough as I am?

    Update on Scorpion Poison part 2: I ran into a wall writing it because I had to overhaul the story. It simply isn’t an acceptable quality. I’m sorry for promising a deadline I couldn’t deliver. Am I screaming into the void? I honestly don’t know when it will be finished. Last week’s post left me disappointed at the quality, so I’m going to take more time to get it right. In its place is this post. I need to work on my organization and planning skills as a human…

Inspired first by spite and humiliation, later, curiosity. I’ve found my answer to what this blog is. The blog is whatever I want it to be. I honestly don’t know what my niche as a writer is. Hell, I barely know myself! I’m starting to doubt whether I’m capable of blogging long term. I thought blogging would be a good outlet because I enjoy writing. I’m tired of never being good enough at anything. Well, the universe is indifferent. It feels like there is answer to, and not to do anything. I didn’t realize that stepping into the light from the shadow of anonymity would be so difficult. Maybe I’m justifying all my bullshit behavior with excuses again. I dunno…

     I opened up the WordPress reader and discovered a conveniently timed post which picked apart everything wrong with last week’s post. It’s likely to be unfortunate timing, since small blogs like this are as common as dirt, but it still hurts to see that. Even if 100% accurate and is constructive criticism. I really thought that story would have been easier to tell than it was. Dammit.

    This is my first blog ever. I know I’m not a professional blogger yet. I’ve already made mistakes in the few posts on here. I know that I’m not only competing against other bloggers, but every book, every other form of entertainment that has ever existed and is currently being made. This applies to every person creating something. It’s a brutal path. Online, every person can comment on your writing, and pick it apart. I don’t mind constructive criticism. It’s a real gut punch when all of your mistakes are laid out in a blogging advice article. Mere hours after your post. My mistake was browsing the WordPress reader earlier today when I was looking for a way to warm up writing.  My goal with this blog is to improve my life, hopefully readers lives as well, how I can, through writing/blogging. A journey to self discovery. Improvement is slow and gradual. I’m only human, and I do have feelings. I’m doing the best I can with what I have and where I am at this point in time.


“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

    I’m sure this is the first thought some have had while reading this post. I have literally done this in my life.  When I was a baby, my mom rescued me from their former apartment while  burning down!  I gave up a career as chef and the restaurant industry because I hated working in a professional kitchen. I tried the best I could for 8 years, but sometimes, no matter your efforts, things don’t work out. That career did not suit me. Working in the restaurant industry is a tough business. I gave it more than enough time before I was sure I had to move on. 

My choice to blog is a reflection of how I’ve grown from my mistakes in life. Such as choosing cooking as a career, giving it up. I tried to become a Commercial truck driver delivering soda for Coca-Cola and couldn’t handle the 60-70 hour weeks. I lasted 8 months. I tried to become a  local baseball umpire (Mainly refereed games from kids in middle school to high school) but I was rated the worst rookie umpire, despite being in the top 3 of games worked by a new umpire. I tried again from the bottom for a second year, but I got a concussion from a car accident, and couldn’t work. 

So I guess I’m growing as a person. What’s important is to keep small goals. I need to remind myself that I have just started. It’s going to take awhile to improve. I could use some help or advice.

“THE QUESTION “WHAT SHALL WE DO ABOUT IT?” IS only asked by those who do not understand the problem. If a problem can be solved at all, to understand it and to know what to do about it are the same thing. On the other hand, doing something about a problem which you do not understand is like trying to clear away darkness by thrusting it aside with your hands. When light is brought, the darkness vanishes at once. This applies particularly to the problem”

― Alan W. Watts, The Wisdom of Insecurity 


Song of the Post, Lazy by Deep Purple:


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.