Category Archives: Reilly

Six months blogging!

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From the hike at my Rainier in August.

6 months blogging!

It’s been 6 months since I started this blog in March! The anniversary was last Sunday, but my dear Grandfather passed last week. It felt wrong not to honor him in a post. It’s still hard to believe that he’s gone…

Grief is a difficult thing to deal with, and it comes in waves. I’m sad. I’m grateful and happy to have known such a wonderful human. That I had an example of what a good man, a great human. I strive to be as good a man as he was. The hardest part about this loss is that its dangerous to visit family due to the threat of covid-19. Visiting online through Facebook and zoom helps… But it’s not the same. I really wish I could visit family, and give hugs. 2020 has been a long year.

It’s important to celebrate the little things… To acknowledge the steps forward I’ve worked hard for. Despite this unusual year, there have been good things that have happened. More after the pictures.

Posts to date and stats:

Here are some stats for the blog so far.

I feel like I have grown alongside this blog. This next section is about life this past month, and goals for the future. Healthy self esteem is giving credit to your growth.

Personal growth this year:

  • Restarted therapy despite years of struggling to find the help I’ve wanted, and finally got it! I’m growing every day.
  • Finally found an antidepressant that works!
  • Made a bunch of new friends from coworkers from my last job. I haven’t been able to visit much in person with them this year. I want to in the future. All of us were laid off when the company closed on Jan 31st out of the blue.
  • Reconnected with family.
  • Learned about self love, and self care. How to take care of myself. How to assert myself, continue practising communicating my needs. Continue practicing boundaries.
  • Started a meditation practice.
  • Started exercising on a regular basis again.
  • Started a blog.
  • Practicing gratitude and appreciation for the good things in life.
  • Restarted therapy, and being fully committed and engaged in the process.
  • Practicing Forgiving myself when I feel depressed or anxious.
  • Continued practicing being assertive and speaking up for myself.
  • Committing to being the best possible version of myself.
  • Fighting with depression when it lies to me.
  • Being independent for myself.
  • Learning mindfulness and practicing it.
  • Learning to listen to others, and not interrupt when they are talking.
  • Sorting through old unhealthy thoughts and patterns and deciding whether they serve me now, and the future.
  • Saying thank you.
  • Learning how to apologize.
  • Hanging out with friends before the pandemic happened.
  • Respecting other peoples needs and boundaries.
  • Admitting when I have made a mistake.
  • Being accountable for myself.
  • Quit drinking for good! I don’t miss consuming it. 7 months since I stopped!
  • Reduced my cannabis consumption from 4 bowls/2 dabs to one bowl maybe once or twice a week!
  • Started reading books again.
  • Being comfortable expressing my feelings.
  • Rebuilding validation from within instead of from others.
Pciture of Seward Park in Seattle.
How it the blog started!

Goals for the next 6 months:

Note: all of these things will depend on how the Covid-19 pandemic lasts.

  • Get a car. Hopefully something from the past 10 years. The last two cars I’ve owned/shared have been over 15 years old and were constantly in the auto shop for repairs. The cars were a 2000 Volvo s40, and a 2005 Dodge avenger. I spent several times more than what I paid for them in repair costs, and both had awful MPG. I have some savings, so once I get a job I can buy a car. I’ll do what I have to, to get to work… Be it Uber or public transportation for a little while more.
  • Get a job. I had an interview this week, so that is a good sign!
  • Move out. I’ve lived in the same house my entire life, and I’ve wanted to move out for years. I haven’t been able to until now because my mental health. I finally have it managed after 12 long years.
  • Keep blogging. I don’t know my long term goal for the blog. For now I want to keep growing and have each post get more traffic and comments than the last. Right now, I love talking to other bloggers in the comments, and reading their blogs.
  • Keep writing.
  • I want to go back to college and pursue a new career and degree.
  • I do not want to continue working minimum wage jobs the rest of my life. What worked for the past doesn’t line up with my future.
  • Hang out with friends, and make new friends. Hang out in person.
  • I didn’t think it was possible, but I am over my friends-breakup from earlier this year! I am ready to date again! I learned so much from this failure that I am a better person today.
  • I want to date, and have a girlfriend.
  • I want to visit with family.
  • I want to love, and be loved.
  • I want a healthy relationship where I can be support my partner and take care of myself. To have healthy boundaries and clear communication.
  • Continue working through my issues in therapy.
  • Once the pandemic is over, parties for friends and family.

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything. But I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do, interfere with what I can do.” -Edward Everett Hale.

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/edward_everett_hale_393297

Music of the post:

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Self Care Compromise

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This crow and others have been hanging out in my back yard. For a couple years now a family of crows has been visiting us in the late spring and summer as part of their migration. My mother and I have been feeding them nuts by placing them on the deck railing. When we go inside, they swoop in and take the nuts away.

I haven’t done the best job editing this piece. It’s a second draft at best. It’s the best I can do right now with the capacity I have.

I’m worn out on all fronts. My muscles and body aches far more than usual because I’m spending all my time during quarantine on my desktop PC. My spine and neck are out of whack. My usual routine stretching and massaging sore or stiff muscles with my rolling foam cylinder isn’t working. I’m due for a chiropractor appointment, but I’m helpless because of the quarantine. I’m waiting for an email back from my doctor to see what I can do at home to help.

My brain is exhausted because I had a therapy appointment yesterday. I usually have a “therapy hangover” for days after depending on how intense therapy was. My therapist and I are on appointment 11. Things are going well. Yesterday was productive despite me having a muscle tension headache. I pushed myself too hard. This is a really bad habit I have, that I need to stop. My therapist was kind to suggest rescheduling our session for today. I chose not to, to work through my physical pain, because… I’m afraid that I’ll be abandoned by a therapist again. It’s already happened for good and bad reasons 6 times the past 12 years. I’ve been trying so hard to reach the peak of the therapist mountain seeking help. Each fall more devastating as I have to recover from worsening wounds by myself.

Now that I’m here, I’ve been working my ass off building the bridge to the next mountain within my soul, because I’ve wanted to be healed my entire adult life. This looks like: watching videos on YouTube about therapy, relationships, mental health, and self improvement like a job for 35+ hours a week during quarantine. I’m in spiritual pain from multiple grief events the past 6 months. I had to have my 18 year old cat euthanized in December. He was my best friend. (Sorry human readers, my Facebook circle. I do appreciate you, but my cat Flip was my best friend for 18 years.) My coworkers and I were laid off in January because the company went out of business. I poorly wrote a confession love letter to a woman I’d known for 26 years and was rejected. I made things worse by posting online about it.

This emotional wound hasn’t healed all the way yet. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I’m sure a country or blues song could be written about it. It was catastrophic heartbreak for both of us. My word count production has been focused on soothing my emotional wounds instead of soothing my creative need.

The rejection-breakup event destroyed me. It’s so traumatic that it’s changed my belief system about love, myself, relationships, and dating. An ego death.

Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren both lost the Democratic primary. They were my first and second choice for candidates for 2020 POTUS. Andrew Yang would have been awesome too. I’d be okay with Pete Buttigieg. Biden as a choice is an exasperated sigh. I suppose this better than the diarrhea fart that is POTUS 45. So, I lost this year with politics too.

Covid-19 quarantine happened in March here in Washington state. It was the correct step to take for the sake of the world, the country, and the state. For my life, it’s a disaster on the scale of Mount Rainier erupting. Quarantine times grief to the 3rd power is a star going supernova into a black hole. A black hole which will only expire on its own time. In a way, time in solitude is exactly what I need right now. It been hell, but I believe that I am finally seeing life clearly now. I see who is there for me. What I value, and what I want to be in the future. One step forward is progress.

So all of these words are me giving permission to myself to rest. I’m listening to the feedback my body and mind are giving me. This year’s theme so far is: starting on a new path. I feel that the previous era of my life has ended. I will not repeat the same mistakes again.

Songs of the week:

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Don’t forget to wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

Have a good week!

Reilly.

Into the unknown

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Photo of Seward Park in Seattle

The first post… The journey into the Unknown Self.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never had a blog before. Sure I have 97k post karma on Reddit, but that doesn’t mean I have any skill at professional writing. Everyone posts online these days. How am I to stand out against the millions of blog writers? Many who have been writing in some form for years. Who went to college for it. My Culinary Arts degree doesn’t compare. I haven’t really ever known what I’ve been doing in life. But, nobody really does. We are all born with the ability to breathe. Little by little we learn. We are guided by our parents until we become adults and have to live on our own. I’m a new writer. Everyone has to start somewhere. Here is my beginning to see if I can be good at writing. I’m 33, unemployed, unsure of what I want to do in the future for my career, and live with my mother. I didn’t want my life to be this way at 33. This is reality. To change you have to meet yourself where you are at the present moment. So, I’ll write badly until I can run with the pros. You have to crawl before your first step. Step without falling before you walk. Walk before you run. My goal is to write a minimum of 370 words once a week. I don’t have a clear idea of the focus on my content yet. Anyway, welcome! 

“Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.”

― G.K. Chesterton (https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/414151-anything-worth-doing-is-worth-doing-badly)

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Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.