Time to Return to Therapy
I’ve hit a wall with blogging
Which is: I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure what purpose it serves in my life. Last year, I had a bunch of things to work through and express. Now, the biggest problem is why. Why do I blog, why write? Or the biggest obstacle I have in life… Why do anything?
I know there are answers out there, and people who’ve been here before.
More than anything, I’m long past “working hard” on everything. Life feels like an endless carrot on a stick.
I’m tired of never being enough. Never being healthy enough, never making enough money, never being attractive enough to date, and so on.
I’m tired of self improvement. I want to feel enough. Maybe I’ve been isolated far too long. I’m so exhausted from the pandemic.
I’m lonely and don’t trust anyone. (Especially myself)
I’m lonely but love solitude. I want a romantic relationship but feel so unconfident in myself. I want to trust people, but I’m wary of being betrayed, lied to, or taken for granted. Being hurt again, or hurting another person because of my actions.
Despite being vulnerable about my emotional life on the blog, I’m most afraid of being rejected by anyone close after I open up to them.
I can’t be invisible anymore. I was a chameleon for many years, and I refuse to be that anymore. I don’t want to suffer like that. Being average is okay. I want a healthy amount of attention and interaction.
I realized that because of the COVID pandemic, my trust in people in the US and the world has imploded over the vaccine refusal. Over the resistance to wearing masks.
I’m worried about getting COVID-19 from a third of the population, even though I’m fully vaccinated and been careful. I guess, rightfully so after exposures at two different jobs.
I need to return to therapy
Its been 3 months? 4? I honestly can’t remember. This year is fuzzy. Feels like the days blend together.
Whenever my last appointment was with my therapist and treatment team… Its been long enough. The original plan was to take a short break to reassess what I needed for treatment. I didn’t know what my health insurance would be like, but now I do. My new plan is in September.
Therapy work list:
- Trust issues
- Social anxiety
- Pandemic PTSD
- Help with healthy friendships
- Life coaching
- Helping me get unstuck from this unsatisfying loop.
- And many other issues.
I’m tired of having an anonymous life. Tired of not being satisfied with life. Tired of complaining. Ugh.
Man… When will I be fixed?
Thanks for reading!