My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict. I’m a love addict. I’m a recovering codependent. I’m a recovering hermit. I’m in therapy getting help. I guess it’s helping. The past year, I’ve greatly cut my marijuana consumption.
A year ago I hit rock bottom.
I felt out of control and needed help. It didn’t help that night that I smoked two infused joints, and two dabs (a dab to a bowl of weed is like a shot of hard alcohol to a glass of wine/beer) when I got home from work. The previous week was an emotional roller coaster. I had friends over for board game night… The first time in about 10 years that I invited new friends over to visit. It was a great night. A couple days later I started a new job. After one day, I was convinced it was the best place I’d ever worked. I was really excited about it.
That wasn’t enough to prevent a nervous breakdown and near suicidal attempt. I somehow held on, and asked my mom to take me to the hospital for help.
It was the worst day of my life. My biggest goal in life was gone, and was never going to happen. I I was too late in asking her out, and acted like an asshole. Rejected nicely, and I decided to breakup.
It was an ugly end to a long relationship. I couldn’t go on living like that. It was too painful to continue on. Sometimes you fuck up and there’s nothing to do but move on. This is the last time I’m going to blog about this situation.
I thought I was over this before my first girlfriend, but I guess that breakup opened this scar again. I don’t like being stuck on this. Sigh. Grief has its own schedule.
A year later
I can’t help but think about how I’ve changed since a year ago. If it wasn’t for that regretful situation, I wouldn’t have given therapy another chance. I am grateful that I did, and that I’ve finally got the right help for me.
Yesterday in therapy, my therapist said two things that really stuck out regarding this.
One: Have you learned all the lessons from this event? (I have. I won’t ghost again, and I’ve worked at increasing my relationship knowledge and communication skills this past year. I learned how to break up with someone in an adult way. I learned I needed help and got it myself. Plus much more.)
Two: She was worried that I would still be unable to move on and be in the same headspace 5 years from now. This also applied to me not wanting to change or grow. Which came down to: I don’t know why I act this way, and I don’t have a reason to get up every day. I don’t feel that I have purpose or meaning to my life.
So, my therapist suggested that we update my values. Values give you a way to make decisions on how you want to live life.
Updated Values that I want to have:
- Sense of Meaning
- Personal Growth
- Physical & mental health
- Live in the present, not past or future.
Values based on how I live currently:
- Don’t care about physical health
- self centered
- Poor discipline
Not a good list. However, to change, you have to accept who you are right now.
I don’t know what the future will bring. All I know for now is that I don’t want to be this version of myself anymore. I’m the only person who can change myself. I’m stuck because I’m not doing the necessary things that I can do. I’m the one who has committed to therapy. I’m not happy with my life and that’s on me. Enough is enough.
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