First romantic relationship at age 34..
She probably views me as a scrub. Scrub from the TLC song of the same name. No job, unemployed, relationship novice, doesn’t have shit together, Smokes pot.
The truth is we were incompatible. She wanted something completely different from me. She wanted me to buy stuff and I wasn’t comfortable with that. I do not want a text only relationship. I don’t want a long distance relationship.
She was an ambitious, driven business woman from Hong Kong who wants to travel and be rich. Retire early. A day trader who trades gold stocks. A literal fucking Gold digger.
Maybe it went too hot, too fast.
I gave into the fantasy of the relationship. I was desperate to finally have a girlfriend. And it was happening. It was too good to be true.
Too good too be true
Once again, I saw what I wanted to see. I overlooked problems because I wanted to have a girlfriend no matter what. She was my first girlfriend ever, at age 34. I bought into the fantasy because I’ve been so deprived of romance. Which is ultimately my fault. I fucked up in so many ways.
I felt I was ready to date back in November. After this breakup, I’m not sure I actually was. Or am. I’m so tired of never feeling good enough to date. I feel like I have to be perfect to date anyone. At the same time, I don’t want to do all the work that requires. Dating and relationships are work. All I’ve known is pain. I don’t see the benefit to dating. I don’t want to constantly improve. I don’t want to settle either. I feel that means that I’ll never be enough as I am.
Dating hasn’t been fun. Since men have to do all the work in obtaining a relationship, that means my dating life is over. I wish that I would be at peace with never dating again. I’m okay being single… But for the rest of my life? Not until I at least have one good long term romance. Then I could say I tried, and give up. I’m not entitled to a relationship. I don’t feel it’s worth the time, energy, money, or effort. I don’t feel life is worth the time, energy, money, or effort. I never wanted to date to begin with. It feels like an unpaid internship where you’re constantly led on by the promise of more like a carrot on a stick. But that job offer never happens.
I feel this is impossible because of my mental illnesses. I resent my sexual and romantic needs. It feels like a curse. Life would be so much easier without them. The worst part of all this, is that once again, my insecurities were right.
I just want to be. Then again, I’m pretty stupid with this stuff.
All I know is I deserve better than that relationship. I learned that I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m afraid of wasting my time. Once again: What is love?
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