Surprise milestone post! It’s already been 1 month since I started this blog! Yay!
Today marks 9 weeks since the breakup in Pivot. 2 months since I had a nervous breakdown and went to the hospital. It’s been 2 months since I quit drinking alcohol. 3 months since everyone was laid off at my previous employer. Friday was the first day I felt neutral. Joy sprinkled throughout the day.
Milestones among gravestones
The rejection/break up was my last attempt at dating that woman. I couldn’t move past my feelings despite the long tenure of the relationship. I tried, failed badly, and couldn’t be friends with someone I loved, who didn’t feel the same. I chose to end it. I told myself over and over again in 2019 that I would accept the outcome, no matter what happens. I was tired of all the baggage from the relationship and wanted a different life. You miss all the shots you take, and I didn’t want to regret missing out. In a cruel twist I got regrets and missed. Sigh…
There were good times, despite the nuclear end. This is my biggest disappointment in life so far. Now I know it’s better to shoot for the stars and fail. I tried and had nothing to lose! I wish I was A-romantic or Asexual, but I simply am not. All I know for certain… Is that I am Heartbroken. My guess is that I have a long time still to grieve. I have a pile of things to fix about myself. No more shitty apologies. No more vague goodbyes. No more being a coward.
For readers considering a confession letter themselves… Don’t. Ask them out in person. In fact, don’t write a love letter at all unless you are already dating. Are officially committed to another. Have been together for years. If you fail, it hurts far worse than a normal rejection. When you end a relationship, do it in person (unless it is not safe to do so). I did everything wrong. What I regret most is not communicating clearly. I believed in the fantasy of the crush, in soulmates and all that bullshit… When in retrospect, we had grown apart over the years. We are different people… Opposites. And that’s okay! Oof.
It wasn’t meant to be anymore. As soon as I can, I’m moving out. It’s far past time. I’m sick of being a man-child hermit. For too long I’ve used my mental health problems as a crutch. I’m disappointed how it ended. I’m disappointed that I couldn’t fully be myself in that relationship anymore. I have to move on. It hurts too much. It’s over.
A new beginning…
I was a casual social drinker. I did enjoy the aroma and taste of some liquors, but being drunk was meh. Every type of drink gave me immediate hangovers. Beer and wine the worst. That day 2 months ago I poured out my liquor cabinet and haven’t looked back since. It did suck to pour out a $75 bottle of absinthe, and a $40 bottle of bourbon (Seattle booze prices are crazy. But it’s how nobody in the state wants to pay income taxes despite all the wealth.). I later learnt that there were 3 consecutive generations of men on my father’s (Credit to my grandfather who quit and never looked back!) side with alcohol problems. My dad died from drunk driving after 1 drink. (I’m planning a post later this year about it.) I don’t mind if you do drink. There is no excuse for drunk driving. Ever. Get an Uber, ask for a ride, take the bus, walk. Don’t do it.
A week after the end of the relationship, I had a nervous breakdown. All the grief hit me at once. Here I am now despite being burned again and again by therapy. That darkness was depression. Whispering lies to me at my most vulnerable. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of having mental illnesses. It’s a health problem just like breaking a leg. I admit treatment is tricky because insurance makes it impossible, and because our brains are incredibly complex. Nobody tells you it’s a marathon journey to healing. The benefits like receiving dollars for pennies. We’re all going to die anyway. So, be the best version of yourself that you are right now. Failure and mistakes are necessary for success. Might as well take a chance. You might succeed.
― Jogging Baboon from BoJack Horseman.
Songs of the post:
I by Kendrick Lamar:
A change Gonna Come by Sam Cooke:
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© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.
Edit: Whoops! Repeated a paragraph!